5.31.2011

Eddie and the Rolling Stones

Our friend George Dunn joined us for our Free Store conversation on Thursday morning and talked about Psalm 23.  However, before we got started someone asked him what he had been thinking recently and he looked at Rick munching away on a McDonald's breakfast and said, "I wonder if it is a sin to steal that bisquit?" which made us laugh.

George told us that when he was a kid his dad made him memorize some of the Psalms and if he refused he was grounded.  He told us that his dad has passed away this week and it had made him think of Psalm 23.  George went on to say that he used to think that if he followed the Lord that he wouldn't want anything because he would have everything he wanted.  After some decades of life he now realized that simply wasn't true.  He said that when he was a boy he remembered a story called "Gimme the Gummy" about a boy that always said gimme.  So a magic fairy put a spell on the boy so that every time he said gimme whatever he wanted stuck to his body.  We laughed as George described and as we imagined how that story ended.

George told us that he had learned through the years not to want too much.  We talked about how being satisfied and having freedom from wanting too much can be very important life skills.  At this point our friend Eddie started singing the first line of the Rolling Stones song, "You Can't Always Get What You Want."  Eddie's vocal rendition was far from the Mick Jagger wail but he made the point and also made us laugh.  Someone else quoted without singing the rest of the lyric, "And if you try sometime you find you get what you need" which gave us a great deal of pleasure.

George went on to tell us that at one point in his life when he was facing death that suddenly people became "numero uno in my life."  Someone said, "I can still be happy without things."  Another friend said, "Not everybody can be rich but everybody can be happy."  This led us to talk about how our primary relationships are the most valuable things in life and have the potential to bring more happiness than anything else.

At this point George told us about a survey of people in nursing homes in which they were asked two questions: 1.) What is your worst fear?  2.) What is your most important possession?  To the first question a majority responded, "Dying alone" and to the second question, "My photographs."  This led us to talk about how the most important things in life are the memories we create with the people we love.  George said, "I want to make good memories everyday."

As our conversation moved to a conclusion our friend Marney said that this was just what she needed to hear.  She said emphatically, "I want a phone" which made us laugh.  She told us that she had been looking for a cell phone and although Cricket was gonna give her one for free she "had this great drive" to buy one.  She said that as she listened to the conversation she realized that somehow what she needed was the very thing she was gonna get.  Although we weren't exactly sure what that meant it sounded like there was some mysterious Mick Jagger wisdom hidden in it.

5.26.2011

Carlos, Carrots, and Train Crossings

Carlos joined us for our free store conversation on Wednesday morning but rather than lead us in a discussion as he normally does he showed us how to make carrot juice using the juicer he is letting us use.  Surprisingly it took about twenty pounds of carrots to make what might have amounted to about a gallon of juice.  We decided that it would take some real committment to do this because it is a very time intensive activity.  Although we made it available to everyone that was there not all our friends were willing to try it.  Overall, it was a fun experience and we enjoyed being able to try something new and being able to scratch "juicing" off of our bucket list.

Our friend George Hunt told us that he had recently lost a good friend by the name of Kathy Jordan.  Kathy was fifty-four years old and was killed May 1 while crossing the train tracks in northeast Charlotte.  She was struck by an Amtrak train carrying 126 passengers from Raleigh to Charlotte.  George was very familiar with the spot where the accident happened as he used to hang out with Kathy in that part of the city.

George went on to tell us that he met Kathy while he was working with Labor Ready, a temporary job company.  He said that he was holdin the sign and she was drivin the truck when she stopped and asked him if he had a girlfriend.  She told him that he 'was a good lookin man" which made us laugh.  George had a big grin on his face while telling this story and we all got much enjoyment from it and it also gave us more to tease him about through the day.

George said that it was suspicious that she was killed at a railroad crossing.  He went on to say, "I don't believe nobody cares about a homeless person that is killed."  However, it must have looked a bit suspcious because the newspaper reported that the police were investigating and looking for witnesses that might have seen what happened.  It was sobering to realize that in our world some lives are valued more than others.

As our conversation moved to a close we talked about how short and brief life is.  Someone said since time is short that makes it something very precious which is why every hour, every minute, and ultimately every second of life is important.  Although none of us knew Kathy except our friend George her life managed to impact us in a very real and personal way as we talked about her death.  It is quite powerful to recognize that the death of a single person impoverishes the world of the living.  Ultimately, it is very encouraging to realize that there really are no insignificant lives or unimportant people.

5.25.2011

God Loves Even the Fifth Sparrow

Our friend Gary joined us for our Free Store conversation on Tuesday morning.  Before he got started with the conversation someone remembered that he had run over some toes in an incident with a remote controlled monster truck the last time he was with us.  Although Gary apologized for any offense he had given not everyone was convinced of his sincerity.  So we teased him and laughed a bit before letting him start the discussion.

Gary began by asking us if we had ever really looked at a one dollar bill?  He pointed out that there were spider webs on it and then asked us if we knew where the spider was.  Eddie jumped up excitedly and rushed to the dollar in question and said that he had seen it which made us laugh.  As it turns out there is a spider at the right top of the bill on the side with Washington's head.  Gary said he was pretty sure this was done to make the bills more difficult to counterfeit although he wasn't sure if dollar bills were the target of many counterfeiters.  At this point he asked us to think about all the things in life and to ask, "What is counterfeit?" and "What is genuine?"

We talked about how we can be deceived by our senses and that there is a world beyond our senses that is even more real than the world we sense around us.  Eddie said that his grandmother used to tell him, "Don't believe nuthin that you hear, and only half of what you see" which made us laugh.  Gary said that it is easy for us to be fooled by our senses.  He talked about how ad agencies will use the method of bait and switch to sell us stuff.  This happens when a car is advertised with good looking models which gives us the impression that we will look like that by driving their vehicle.

At this point in the conversation someone said that some things can only be known by their effects.  We don't see the wind but we know it by its effects in the world.  This led someone to mention the devastating tornados in Joplin, MO.  Our friend Eddie said that a blind person could often sense things that other people couldn't.

Gary told us that God's love was genuine and that we were loved just because we exist.  He told us that authentic love is unconditional and that we can't earn it or do anything to either make God love us more or to stop loving us.  He mentioned that God cared about us enough to count the hairs on our heads.  At this someone said that wouldn't be too hard in Gary's case which made us laugh.  Gary went on to say that Jesus also talked about God's love even for the fifth sparrow.  He said that in the ancient world two sparrows were sold for a penny and that five sparrows were sold for two pennies.  Essentially the fifth sparrow was thrown in to sweeten the deal and had no real value at all.  He said that if God loves even the fifth sparrow then surely God loves us which we thought was both clever and encouraging.

As our conversation moved to a conclusion we talked about how authentic love is the most important thing in our lives.  Someone said they had heard about a Cowboy church in Texas that meets in a saloon.  At this Eddie stood up excitedly again and said that he had been to that church and that the preacher speaks from a mechanical bull in the center of the floor.  At this our friend that started the story said that he heard a clip of a sermon in which the cowboy preacher says, "There ain't no real bull in this place.  This is a no bull church that preaches a no bull gospel" which made us laugh.  Our friend Liz said that she thought it was just beautiful to realize that we can't do anything for God's love except be who we are.  That sounded very much like good news to all of us.

5.24.2011

I'm Not Gonna Sit on My Butt and Do Nothin

In our Free Store conversation on Saturday morning we continued talking about what it means to take responsiblity for our own lives.  We started the conversation with a reference to Jesus' statement that if you ask you will receive, if you seek you will find, and if you knock the door will be opened.  It is interesting that in every case the action taken is effective in getting a desired result.  This led us to talk about the importance, not just of being proactive, but of taking effective action that makes a positive difference in our lives.

The question was asked about the most valuable thing we had ever lost?  Sheila said that she had lost her mind which made us laugh.  Our friend Debbie said that she had lost her keys.  So we talked about what is involved in an effective search for something that is lost.  We decided that it involves retracing our steps and looking in the most likely places which means that effective action is not random but purposeful in some way.

At this point the conversation turned to the question about what effective actions we had taken that had improved our lives in some way and made us feel good about ourselves.  Sheila told us that when she lived in Phoenix, AZ that she would take daily bike rides with her grandfather.  She said that "we talked about things and spent lots of time together and became very close."  A new friend said that she used to go out of her way to help a lot of her friends that were users but that she had to start saying no to them.  She said that it wasn't easy but that she felt better about herself and was realizing that she wasn't helping her friends by always doing what they wanted her to do.  We talked a bit about how effective action involves learning to distinguish between building positive mutually supportive relationships with other people as opposed to just being manipulated by them.

Our friend Terrence said that he had stopped blaming other people for his problems.  He said that at one point he just decided, "I'm not gonna sit on my butt and do nothin just because someone else did what they did to me."  He said that it can be a vicious cycle if we don't take positive action for ourselves.  He told us that he had decided that to pursue his education he had to separate from people that were holding him back.  We talked about how effective action is often difficult because our friends and family might not always understand the changes we are making in our lives.

George told us that a thousand things had changed for him in the last couple of years.  He said that when he first went to prison he started working out with one houndred pounds but after a couple of years he was bench pressin about five hundred pounds.  George told us that he looked good and that his girl friend told him that he was "gettin big" which made us laugh and of course we had to tease him for a while about those remarks.  He also said that he felt good about working on his GED after he had given up on it for a while.  This led us to talk about how effective action has to be done consistently rather than just sporadically in order to achieve the positive results that we can feel good about.

One of our new friends said that she thought we were all doin somethin positive because "we're not sittin around waitin for doomsday at 6:00pm" which made us laugh.  This led us to talk about how some peope were expecting the world to end later in the day.  Someone said that we have direct control of some things, indirect control of others, and no control of yet other things. We decided since the end of the world isn't something we could control it didn't make much sense to worry about it.  We laughed when someone said that if you have to change what you're doing because the world is about to end you probably shouldn't be doin that anyway.

As our conversation moved to a conclusion someone mentioned the Michael Jackson song, "Man in the Mirror" with these penetrating lyrics:

I'm Starting With The Man In The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways
And No Message Could Have Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself, And Then Make A Change

Our friend George said that all of us have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other.  He told us that "you gotta make a choice."  That seemed like a good place to end a discussion on the importance of taking effective action to make positive changes in our lives.

5.23.2011

Learning to Live in the Circle of Influence

In our Free Store conversation on Friday morning we continued talking about the importance of taking responsibility for our own lives.  In his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People Stephen Covey refers to this as being proactive rather than just reacting to things that happen to us.  In order to become proactive we need to learn how to distinguish between things in our circle of concern and things in our circle of influence.

The group was asked to share something that they were concerned about.  Although Sheila was hesitant at first she said that she was concerned about her friend Rick's drinking.  She said that when he drank too much that it "makes me tense" and that since she is a truthful person she tells him that it bothers her.  She felt that Rick tends to hold things in even though he would talk about it at times.  She went on to say that his drinking scared her because everytime she got close to someone they died and she is afraid that he is going to die as well.  As we talked about this for a bit it became clear that although Sheila was concerned about Rick's drinking and ultimately his health that  this was not something that she could control.  And although there are many things that concern us it is counterproductive to spend too much time in our circle of concern.  To be proactive requires that we focus on things we have power to control.  We talked about how Sheila might be able to do something to control the tension she feels when Rick drinks and that could give her more of a sense of power than trying to change something that she couldn't.

At this point our friend Eddie said that his friends were concerned about him getting enough sleep.  He said, "I'll get plenty of sleep when I die," which made laugh.  He also said that life is short and that you don't know when you're gonna die.  He said that unlike players in the MLB, NBA, and NFL, we don't have a contract with life.  We talked about how our sleep patterns can be something that we have control over but we don't have any power over death.  So although our death is in our circle of concern it is not in our circle of influence.

Donald said that "sometimes I feel like I'm gonna die.  I feel like my heart is gonna stop beatin and I won't see my friends no more."  He said that he didn't want to drink and do like his other friends did.  He said that in the past, "I took a hammer to the walls and tore up the house."  He also said that he didn't like white people and would tell them to "kiss my ass" even though he knew it was wrong.  We talked about how Donald had no power over death but that he could do something effective to deal with his anger and his racial prejudices.  George said that it helped to read the Bible when he felt afraid because it could make you feel better.  He also said that at one time he had given up on getting his GED and said, "shit on it, to hell with it" but through the encouragement of friends like Julie and Jack he got motivated again.  He said that sometimes it takes a little help.  Eddie said that it helped him to read a good book.

We talked about how important it is to function in our circle of influence rather than spending time spinning our wheels in our circles of concern.  Just because we are concerned about something doesn't mean that we have any power over it.  It is far better to focus on the things that we have the power to change.

As our conversation moved toward a conclusion George said, "I used to judge homeless people."  But he felt more compassion for people now.  He said he realized that it was especially hard for a woman to be on the streets.  He told us that he used to have a mean, hard heart but that he had changed over the last couple of years and felt better about himself.  We teased George that he was just a softy at heart and told him that his beautiful art reflected the beauty that was in his own soul.

5.19.2011

What Keeps Me Goin

Our friend George Dunn joined us on Thursday morning for our Free Store conversation and said that he had been thinking about construction.  He said his ideas took shape initially as he was noticing some big cracks on the walls of the basement of a house he was looking at.  He suggested that it would take a certain kind of knowledge to be able to determine if any of those cracks signified a fatal flaw in the foundation.

We talked about how every person and every religion has a foundation.  That foundation could be a book or an idea or even a person.  George said that it is very important to examine our foundation to know if it will support what we are building in our lives.  The question was asked, "Are the foundations secure?"  Someone said that we need to carefully look at what we believe to determine if there was something deep within us that was broken.

Someone said they had a sister that believed that everyone was basically good and nice until she had an experience with a very bad person which made her rethink her assumption.  George told us that over the years he had to re-evaluate many things he had once believed.  He said that at one point in his life, "everything came second to my job" but he had discovered that relationships were far too important to sacrifice for work.  Someone mentioned the Harry Chapin song, "Cat's in the Cradle" that illustrates the sad effects of putting work over family and relationships.

George also said that at one time in his life he was very patriotric and believed that America was the good guy in world history.  Then he read the book, "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee" which recounts the displacement and slaughter of Native Americans by the US government in the late nineteenth century American West.  He said that book opened his eyes to a reality that caused him to queston his former belief and develop a new perspective.

At this point the question was asked about what beliefs or ideas were so foundational in our lives that they gave us stability and strength when everything else seemed insecure and uncertain?  I told the group that I thought that life is beautiful and that regardless of how things appear on the surface there is a real glory in the human soul.  From what we could understand we think our friend Donald said that he believed in God and in his friends at the free store even though we are white which made us smile.

Our friend George Hunt told us that when he was in prison he drew strength from his art and learning new techniques for drawing.  He also said that he worked out a lot and could bench press five hundred pounds at one point which we found quite impressive.  Rick said that he was haunted by  his past when he was rich but said, "I try to forget that and keep going because I've got new friends now."  He said that although he had lost a family he had also gained a new one and that he was happy where he was at now.

Our friend Liz said that she tried to keep in mind that everything has a purpose.  She said that even little things that seemed bad don't happen without good reason.  She told us that even though it might not feel like it when we are going through tough things that God does love us and is always working for our good.  Mickey said that he likes to make people smile and that from what he knew it took more muscles to frown than it did to smile.  Although we didn't know enough about facial anatomy to know if that was correct it did make us smile.

As our conversation moved to a conclusion George Dunn said that something that was foundational for him was that he could always talk to God and friends which had a way of helping even if there were no easy answers or solutions.  Our friend Janice said, "What keeps me goin is that though I'm not where I wanna be, I'm not where I used to be."  She told us that on May 17 she had celebrated being clean for twenty-seven years.  At this we all applauded and made celebratory noises that somehow made us feel better and more alive.

The Me Plant

Carlos joined us in our Wednesday morning Free Store conversation and led us through the final verses in the book of Galatians.  He started the conversation by telling us that ultimately people were all equal and there was no need for a hierarchy between people.  We talked about how the best relationships are those in which there is a mutual giving and receiving.  As we discussed the importance of positive relationships George said that you can be hangin around the wrong crowd which will get you in trouble.

At this point Carlos said that we tend to reap what we sow in life.  He said that we can plant things like greed and anger which lead to pain and misery or we can plant love and courage which lead to peace and life.  He went on to say that it is not good if we only live to please ourselves and cultivate the "Me Plant" which made us laugh.  Someone asked, "What is the difference between pleasing myself and loving myself?"  We talked about how loving ourselves doesn't mean doing everything and anything that we want.  Carlos said that it is like kids that may just want to eat doritos and candy.  At this Sheila said, "you got to eat more than junk" which made us laugh.  Carlos said that you have to learn to love yourself in a healthy way.

We talked about how important it is to know the right way to love ourselves. Someone said that generally things that don't require much effort also don't return much of a reward. Exercise is hard work but it is very rewarding when done consistently.  Loving ourselves might actually mean doing hard and difficult things at times which might not be very pleasing in the short term but will payoff big down the road a way.

Our conversation took a turn at this point and we sort of circled back to talking about hierarchies which elevate some people over others.  Carlos made us laugh by talking about how it would be if plumbers would elevate themselves over other people and demand that we serve them.  He said that this would be a failure to recognize that plumbing is meant to serve human beings and not human beings to serve plumbing.  Admittedly this was a rather strange analogy but we did have fun with it.  Rick seemed to enjoy it a great deal as he is the resident plumber and has had to unclog the free store toilet many times.

We talked about how people often elevate themselves over others and take power from others.  Someone mentioned a lyric in a Black Sabbath song called "Heaven and Hell" that says, "The world is full of kings an queens that blind your eyes and steal your dreams."  Jack said that you don't even have to be the head honcho but can enjoy just being part of the power structure.  This led us to talk about how we have to be aware of the mechanisms of control by which people will manipulate us to serve themselves and their systems rather than looking out for our interests.

Carlos suggested that even churches and non-profit organizations can forget that they exist to serve people.  He said that religions as systems are mostly hierarchical and self-serving.  Jack said that he had seen a bumper sticker one time that read, "Spiritual people inspire me.  Religious people scare me."  George said that outreach organizations get money based on the number of people they help and that sometimes they may forget that it is really about the people.  He also said that he knew people that would just stay in a relationship with someone because of the monthly check and food stamps.

As our conversation moved to a conclusion Carlos encouraged us to find positive ways to make our lives better rather than just focusing on the rules and the "dont's" and blindly following people and systems.  George told us that he had learned recently that you don't walk in the park after dark because he and Rick were stopped the by the police and told they shouldn't be there.  Carlos said that he would stop them as well which made us laugh and ended our discussion in a fun way.

5.18.2011

Proactive Responses or Knee Jerk Reactions?

In our Free Store conversation on Tuesday morning we talked about the importance of taking responsibility for our own lives.  Although we don't control circumstances or the people around us we always control our response to external things.  Stephen Covey in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People refers to this as being proactive rather than reactive.

We talked about how being reactive is really just living by our instincts.  Someone said that when we touch our hand on a hot stove we don't think about what to do we simply jerk our hand away from the source of the pain.  Of course such reactions can be very helpful but not always.  We talked about how if someone curses at us our instinctual reaction might be to curse back.  However, this often just leads to more emotional and possibly even physical violence which is usually not good for anybody involved.

At this point George reminded us about the time that Sheila's landlord came to the Free Store and pushed her buttons until she exploded in anger.  Sheila was quick to remind us that she was not feeling very good that day but we laughed about it and teased her anyway.  Our friend Terrence said that things do happen that can break us down and that other people do effect us in negative ways.  He said that although he had gotten into some trouble at the men's shelter he still knew that God was with him even though other people didn't always recognize it.

George told us that he had gotten beat up in prison by six guys.  He said that he had reported them for messing with a friend of his in the shower.  At this Sheila said that when she was younger some girls were picking on her girlfriend Myra.  She said that she grabbed a shoe and lit into them which made us laugh.  Although we admired our friends for looking out for others we talked about how such actions could only be considered proactive if they were thoughtful responses and not just knee jerk reactions.

It became clear to us as we talked that there is a space of personal power and freedom between the things that happen to us and our reponses to those things.  This means that we are never entirely powerless or helpless.  Sheila said that sometimes you just needed to take a breath and count to three or there would be a bloodbath which made us laugh.  It was very encouraging to recognize that we always have the power to chose how we will respond to external things.  That ability is at the heart of what it means to be human.  I told the group about a guy I used to visit that was so far gone into alcohol and drug addictions that he would piss and crap in his room.  It was very tragic to see a human being descend below the level of an animal.  And yet what has sunk may rise just as what has risen may sink.

At this point Eddie told us about a scene in the movie "Roadhouse" where the doctor was stitching up the the main character and asked him, "Why are you a bouncer?"  The Patrick Swayze character said something to the effect that he was able to solve problems created by those that were looking for trouble.  Although we weren't exactly sure how this fit in it did sound very inspiring in a mysterious way.

Eddie went on to say that some people on the top have gone down to the bottom.  He told us that at one point when he lived in Texas he was at the top and had a house, car, and wife.  However, when his wife died he became angry and didn't want nothin from anybody.  But now he was recognizing that he would need help to get back up.  He also said that God would never give you more on your plate than you could handle.  At this Sheila asked, "How heavy can the plate be?" which made us laugh.

As our conversation moved to a conclusion we talked about how vitally important it is to recognize that we are not helpless or powerless victims of circumstance or animals driven by instinct.   One of the things that defines us as human beings is that we always have the power to chose our response to things that happen to us.  As I tell my son Jon, "Son, there is not much that separates us humans from the animals which makes it very important to know what those few things are."  He always rolls his eyes at this but that doesn't stop me from repeating it.

5.16.2011

I'm Still Livin

In our Free Store conversation on Saturday morning we followed up on a question someone asked last week that we felt needed further exploration.  How do we know on a practical level that God's love never fails no matter how discouraged we may be abour our circumstances?  One of our new friends said, "I'm still livin" which made us smile.  She went on to say that life was a blessing even when things were hard.  Someone else said that people cling to life even under very challenging circumstances.  We decided that life itself is a sign that there is a benevolent power at work in our universe.

We talked about how life is such a mysterious and yet positively wonderful force.  As we discussed it we realized that something so great must have a source outside of ourselves and pointed beyond itself to either God or a higher power which gives us a basis for our hope and optimism.  Another friend said that she was inspired by seeing people strung out on drugs overcome their addictions.  She told us that she had been clean for six months and we all cheered her success.  George told us that he felt God had spared his life when he almost drowned when he was twelve years old.  He has also been hit by cars while riding his bicycle four times so he thinks his life must have a purpose.

We also discussed how all the good and beautiful things in the world and in our lives point beyond themselves to a source beyond what we see and observe.  Sheila said that God is in us and makes us breath and stuff.  She went on to say she was with Dave when he took  his last breath and she remembered thinking, "Why couldn't God just let him keep breathing?"  It was very sobering to realize how difficult it can be to accept and find meaning in such painful experiences.

George said that when he was feeling down he often thought about the things other people had to deal with.  He said that there were people on death row and people with fatal diseases.  He told us that his mom had wanted to walk one more time but that her leg was amputated and she didn't get that wish.  He encouraged us to enjoy life while we can because we don't know how or when it will end.

As we continued to discuss things that gave us hope when we were discouraged Debbie said your partner and family and friends can lift you up.  Rick said that being around positive people helps you think and stay postive.  George told us that he had to separate from his wife because she just wouldn stop drinkin and that it had been bringin him down.  We talked a bit about how the love and support of other people can be a window into a greater and higher love that exists in the universe.

Although we weren't quite sure how this fit in one of our new friends said that people had been sayin that the world was going to end in 2012.  She had been thinkin about this but had decided that since people keep havin babies that there will be a next generation.  We joked that people had been saying the world would end for a long time and hadn't been right yet so maybe we should stop listening to that bullshit which made us laugh.

As our conversation moved to a conclusion Robert said that something our friend Mark had said last week about having to look back in order to move forward had been very helpful to him.  Another friend said that you have to crawl before you can walk.  Robert went on to say that our troubles are miniscule when compared to living forever which seemed to us like some very encouraging wisdom.

5.14.2011

It Will Be All Right Baby

In our Free Store conversation on Friday morning Sheila got us started by asking the question, "What is peace?"  She said that this was on her mind because she didn't feel like she had it right now.  She told us that she felt trapped in her room like a prisoner.  She said, "I know I have to do the laundry" but I just don't have the motivation.  She was baffled because she said that she had never really been like this before but she knew it had something to do with Dave's recent death.  She thought it was a motivation problem and that maybe she just needed some vitamins.

At this point Rick said that isolation is a sign of depression.  This led us to talk about how depression is one of the stages that many people will go through in dealing with a loss in their lives.  Someone said that it was important to recognize that depression was just a natural stage that we go through and that those negative feelings won't last forever.  Just as the ocean tide comes in and goes out at regular intervals so do our feelings ebb and flow.  We are, as human beings, part of the natural world and subject to laws that govern our emotional and inner lives.

We also discussed the importance of getting out and being around people even though we may not want the company but it does help us to get out of our own minds and engage others.   George told us that he had been depressed when he first went into prison but that things got better when he started receiving letters and eventually visits from his family.  He also told us that when he feels down  he likes to get out and go see the hot dog man.  He told us that man has fed and encouraged many people on the streets of Charlotte over many years.

We talked about how it might be necessary just to force ourselves to go through the motions and do things even though we don't feel like doing them.  Someone made us laugh when they said that sometimes you just have to fake it til you make it.  This led us to talk about how it can be helpful to stay active and get some exercise when we are depressed.  Exercise stimulates the release of happy chemicals called endorphins into our system which can help us to feel better.  Rick said that he had been taking anti-depressants like Prozac for about 10 years.  Since depression is a chemical imbalance it can be helped with drugs as well as diet and exercise.

At this point Sheila got back in the conversation and told us that she needed to pack Dave's stuff up because it really hit her last night that he wasn't coming back.  There were tears in her eyes as she said this and we all felt moved by her pain.  She also told us that she had heard his voice a couple of times saying, "It will be all right baby."  She said that she had hardly slept last night thinking about all this.  Rick said that when you lay down for the night 1 of 2 things will happen: 1.) you will go to sleep, or 2.) the sun will rise.  This made us laugh and even Sheila seemed to enjoy the humor of our sanguine friend.

George said that it was very hard when he lost his twin brother followed by his mother and then sister.  He said his sister was over 400 pounds and died of a heart attack.  He said that he had to get away from his hometown because there were just too many painful memories for him there.  This led us to talk about how places can actually trigger memories which is why it is important to deal with our losses so that we can continue our routines even though they remind us of the things or people we have lost.

As our discussion moved to a conclusion we talked about how we have to find hope to get us through the dark times of discouragement.  Someone said that because God's love never fails that we can have hope that even the bad and painful things that happen in our lives can be turned to good.  Ironically, as we started talking about this George's chair collapsed and he got a nasty eight inch cut on the back from a protruding screw.  This brought our conversation to an abrupt end as we tended to our wounded friend and then teased him throughout the day about breaking our chair on Friday the 13th!

5.13.2011

A Little Became a Lot

Our friend George Dunn led us in a very interesting Free Store discussion on Thurday morning about creativity and imagination. He started the conversation by telling us that he had been thinking about bankruptcy and he said that there were currently about 9.1 million homes in our country going into foreclosure. He said that he knew what it was like to lose everything because at one time he had lost his job, house, family, friends, and even his faith in his religion. He told us that the American dream had become a nightmare for him.


At this point he told us that he wanted us to look at a story in 2 Kings 4. Someone said that they had come across a commentary on the book of Kings that was titled, "Men Behaving Badly" which made us laugh. It seems that no good comes of it when men have too much power. In the story a widow is about to have her children sold into slavery to pay her debts. George said this might have actually had an upside, especially if she had teenagers which gave us a good laugh.

As we continued in the story we learned that all the woman had left was a small bottle of olive oil. Interestingly this small bottle of oil was multiplied into enough to save her kids from slavery and give the family extra to live on. George said that this story illustrated that God doesn't leave anybody with nothing. He said that what we have may seem very small but that the real problem is that we don't recognize the value or the potential of the little we do have. He said he had learned something about this recently in dealing with his father who has terminal esophageal cancer. His dad joked that there was an upside to it all because in losing 45 pounds he didn't need his blood pressure medication anymore and he had money to save because he couldn't go anywhere to spend it. This made us laugh as we realized how even a little thing like a sense of humor can be a big thing when it comes to dealing with adversity.

We talked about how through the creative use of the imagination that we can begin to see the value of what we do have even though it may not seem like much. George said that studies have been done showing that children on average can think of about ten times more creative things to do with a pencil (like put paper wings on it and make an airplane) than adults. I told the group about my experience tutoring kids with special needs in a technique known as visualizing/verbalizing. One of the girls when asked to describe for me the object she was visualizing would say, "I got nuthin." The reality is that we have immense imaginative capacities that largely lie untapped and unused. George said that God is creative and so are we.

At this point our friend George Hunt said that "I did give up faith in mesself coz some people didn like my drawins" but he was getting back into it with the encouragement of new friends. This led us to talk about the importance of forming friendships with people that would be supportive and not hold us back. I told the group that my son Jon would often say in response to my criticism of things he would do, "Don't be a hater dad." Someone told us that Alexander Graham Bell failed many times before he invented the telephone but that just meant he knew lots of things that didn't work. Our friend Mark said that the man that invented the UPS system of package delivery first submitted his idea in a dissertation for Harvard University but the paper received a failing grade from his professor.

As our conversation moved to a conclusion George told us that everybody has something inside them of great value and that we should believe in it, stick to it, and trust in God. He also encouraged us that we don't have to stay where we are but through vision, imagination, God, and friends the little we have could become a lot more than we might ever imagine. That was a very encouraging message and we all felt empowered by it.

That Beat on My Brain for a Long Time

In our Free Store conversation on Wednesday morning we talked about the importance of positive thinking as a way to deal with the strong negative emotions that can easily overwhelm us.  The question came up as to how we can renew our minds in a positive way even though our circumstances might be very negative.  We talked about how bad things can get us down and that we tend to internalize our outward circumstances.  Mark said that when you are homeless and have no job that the big picture can be overwhelming.  He said that he has to focus on the small things that he can do to improve his circumstances.

As we talked about the importance of caring for our minds Sheila said that by doing things like taking a walk, or a nice hot bath (which she won't do because she never thinks the tub is clean enough which we thought was funny), or calling and talking to a friend we can improve our attitude.  George said that he liked to watch cartoons and movies like "All Dogs Go To Heaven" because they made him laugh.  He said it was hard at times because his mom died with cancer at forty-nine and didn't even remember him "her 30 cent, her baby boy" at the end.  He said he liked to take bike rides and just get away from the house at times.

Mark said that in trying to keep a positive attitude it was important to stay away from negative people.  He said that in the drug rehabilitation program called Rebound he found it hard to deal with all the negative talk.  He also told us about a guy that used to come to work and just bitch all morning so that by noon everybody was in a foul mood which made us laugh.  Rick said that it's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys which kept us laughing.

At this point Mark said that the negative was stronger than the positive.  So we talked about how the negative is only stronger because we give negative thoughts and negative energy power over us by habitually thinking in a negative way.  Someone said that is why it was important to establish positive thought patterns that would help us fight off all that negative energy.  We all agreed that it takes a strong person not to access the negative spirit of others.

We talked about how negative experiences that we have as children can be very devastating because we are so vulnerable at that stage in our lives.  Mark told us that his family wasn't happy unless there was chaos.  He also said that when he was diagnosed with cancer and called his father he was told, "there is nothing I can do for you" and then his dad hung up.  He also told us that his brother told him at one point that "you are not part of our family anymore."  He said "that beat on my brain for a long time."  He said that you can get so depressed that you don't even care what you look like anymore.  It was very sobering to realize the negative things that our friends have to deal with.  But it also helped us see the importance of taking responsibility to keep ourselves positive even though we may not have much positive external affirmation from others.

We talked about how exercise is a good way to help us maintain a positive attitude because it releases natural chemicals called endorphins that make us feel good.  Someone said that these endorphins were also released by taking drugs which was easier than exercise which made us laugh.

As our discussion moved to a conclusion George told us that he was called a slow poke when he was a kid because he was a slow reader and moved slow.  He said this really hurt his feelings and made him feel bad about himself and he thought this is why he became a problem child and ultimately ended up in prison for five years.  He told us that he got a little stronger when he got out of prison though.  He said that a couple of years ago he felt that his life was going round and round in circles without going anywhere.  But since making new friends he had "kind of turned my life around."  This seemed to us like a good place to end a conversation about the importance of positive thinking.

5.11.2011

A $1,200 Loss and a $1,300 Gain

In our Free Store conversation on Tuesday morning we explored the final step in the five stages of grief known as DABDA: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.  Not every one that experiences loss goes through all the stages and certainly not in any specific order.  However, knowing the process can help us become more self-aware which can be very empowering.

We started the discussion with a question about what were some of the most difficult things to accept in our lives.  One of our friends said that she had lost her mom about two years ago and was still finding it hard to deal with.  She said that mother's day on Sunday was a very tough day for her.  I shared with the group that I had lost my mom about a year and a half ago and had found it difficult to accept that she had suffered a few amputations from diabetes before she died.  It was very painful for me to watch her suffer so much the last few years of her life.

Another new friend said that his house was being remodelled and that he had to sleep on the floor at a friend's house until the job was finished.  He was having trouble dealing with this because it was taking longer than expected and he had already been on the floor for thirty days.  He sounded a little grumpy so we sympathized rather than teasing him about it.  George told us that he served five years in prison and that the time went quicker once he accepted it.  He also said that his brother died at age twenty-one and his mom died at age forty-nine and that he had felt alone since then.  But he couldn't wait to get in touch with his remaining family and tell them all about his new "family" here in Charlotte.

We talked a bit about how acceptance is really an internal attitude as much as anything.  We often can't bring back the things we have lost but we can choose how we are going to deal with the loss.  We looked at the character Job in the bible, a man that lost most of his wealth and all of his children in the same day.  He didn't understand it and yet at one point he said, "this will turn out for my deliverance."  Rick said that during the Great Depression bible salesmen did very well because people needed hope when things looked bleak.  As we discussed it a bit more we began to realize that acceptance is seeing that our losses are not the end of the book but merely another chapter in the ongoing story of our lives.  Out of the pain of loss and grief we can move forward into a happier space of new beginnings.

Sheila said that when Dave died she didn't want to accept it and didn't think she was there yet.  She told us that she used to look for him in the house all the time.  She said that she had been having Rick go to the Food Lion grocery store for her because it was too painful to shop there because she saw everything that Dave liked to eat.  But she was realizing that she had to go on with her life.  Another friend said that her mom loved sugar free Klondike bars so she could only buy ice cream at places that didn't sell them because it was too painful for her.

At this point in the discussion our friend Terrence said that he thought acceptance can be a breakthrough for us.  He said that when bad things happen in our lives we can consider the question, "Was it the will of God or something that I have done?"  He also said that acceptance gives us a positive way forward because we realize that something good can come out of something bad.

As our conversation moved to a conclusion one of our new friends said that last Thursday $1,200 worth of stuff had been stolen from her house, including a Wii game system.  She was discouraged by this loss initially but had then received a $1,000 check in the mail and someone that owed her $300 had decided it was time to pay her back.  She said that this made up for the loss and she felt that it had to be God which made her feel very thankful.  Another friend said, "I have diabetes and although it was hard to accept at first it's just something I have to live with."  She said that she was seventy-four years old and that she had a lot to be thankful for which made us all smile and nod in agreement.

5.10.2011

I Was Down So Low the Sidewalk Seemed Like a Skyscraper

In our Free Store conversation on Saturday morning we discussed the fourth step in the process of grief known as DABDA: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.  We started by talking about how in some ways depression is the most dangerous step in the process of grieving our losses because it crushes hope and breeds despair which can lead to suicide.

The question came up if anyone had ever been really depressed and what it feels like when we are going through it.  Our friend Cliff said said "Yeah" in a way that for some reason made us all laugh.  He went on to say that when you are depressed that you lose hope but that you can't give up and that you need someone to talk to.  Later in the day another friend shared with us that he had gone to a doctor for his depression at one point and was asked what he was feeling.  He said, "I want to kill my family and yet don't have the motivation."  The doctor said, "I'm not going to write that down in your file."

We talked about how in depression we often feel isolated and alone and that our thinking becomes very dark and negative.  Our friend Mark told us about a time in his life that he admitted himself into a substance abuse program for his cocaine addiction.  The program was run by former Hells Angels and Pagan biker gang members.  He said that in one session when he was throwing a pity party for himself this hells angel counselor got up in his face and said, "tell me about that special problem you have that nobody else in the history of the world has ever had."  This made us laugh as we realized how irrational our feelings can be when we slip into a negative and depressive state.

Sheila told us that she had closed herself off from people when her husband Dave died.  She said that it was hard to talk to people but that it was helping her to write things down and to talk about it with friends she could trust.  Our friend Paul said that when you are depressed its like you have a negative aura around you and that you don't want to bring other people down so you close yourself off.

At this point our conversation turned to a character in the bible by the name of Jeremiah.  Although we often view these people as saints they were just normal people going through the same experiences that we all go through.  We talked about how Jeremiah wrote his feelings down in the book of Lamentations and that it was obvious that he was depressed at that stage in his life.  He blamed God for all the bad things in his life, he felt isolated and alone, he was suffering physically and felt immobilized to do anything positive to help himself.  However, ultimately he gained hope by recognizing that God's lover never fails and that each new day brings new opportunities.

We talked about how we often feel paralyzed when we go through depression and that we stop doing positive things that could actually help lift our spirits, like exercising, eating properly, and getting enough sleep.  Robert said that when depressed you might smoke too much and drink too much as well.  He also asked the question about how knowing that God's love never fails can help you on a practical level.  He told us that he was exchanging letters with a guy in prison for life and that it was difficult because there was no hope in the man's letters.  He said that it was hard to internalize positive things like God's love for us when circumstances are so negative.  This was a challenging question that sobered us as we realized how dark life can be at times.

Mark said that it can help to reflect on our past and to realize that we have come through hard times before.  Jack said that it might help to recognize that this world is not our home and that we have a more hopeful future to look forward to.  At this point a new friend told us that he was given up for adoption at birth because he father had tried to shoot his mother while she was pregnant with him.  He said that he grew up in LA in foster homes and got involved in drugs and gangs.  He said that at one point "I was down so low the sidewalk seemed like a skyscraper" which made us laugh.  However, he had survived all those things and had found a new life through faith and hope in God.

As we moved our conversation to a close George said that bible study helped to calm him down.  He also said that he would be depressed all the time if not for the new friends he had made through the free store.  Our friend Paul said that he had been in a funk recently but that our last few converstions about the stages of grief had helped him. We laughed when someone said that together we are always smarter than we are alone which also seemed like a good note on which to end our conversation.

5.08.2011

The Way Forward Is Through

In our Free Store conversation on Friday morning we talked about the third step in the grief process known as DABDA: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.  Whenever we lose something of value we go through various stages of dealing with the loss.  Not everyone goes through the five stages in sequential order and not everyone goes through all the stages.  However, by understanding the process we can better understand ourselves as we struggle to deal with the pain in our lives.

Bargaining is a step along the way to accepting the loss and really letting ourselves grieve over it.  It is our way of trying to exercise some control of what is happening to us.  The question was asked about what bargaining would look like in a specific situation.  George said that he did it when he was in prison by promising God that he would do better when he got out.  He told us that his bail was set at $50,000 which seemed pretty high so we joked with him that he must have been a very bad boy.  George was a bit vague on the next point but his explanation included the words "breaking" and "after midnight" which made us laugh.

We talked about how in some ways our entire lives are a process of bargaining and negotiating to get what we want and avoid what we don't want.  This led us to talk about Jacob, one of the great characters in the bible.  We laughed when our friend Paul said that if he was a character that he would fit right in with this motley crue.  Someone brought up that Jacob's name means "heel-grabber" because he was born with a twin brother and came out of the womb holding onto Esau's heel.

We looked at the story where Jacob dreamed about a ladder extending from earth to heaven.  Upon waking he realized that God had been present and that he had not been aware of it.  At this point Rick said that God is omnipresent which means that there is no place that God is not.  Our friend Paul said that he was sure God had been with him as he looked back at some of the things he had been through in his life.  He also said that he was the last remaining member of his family as both his parents and his two sisters had died in the past five years.  Paul said that he was the only person in his family ever to be homeless and that he didn't know what that meant but he sensed that there was some purpose in his life.

As we talked about the importance of having a purpose in life Rick shared with us a little of his experience on the street.  He said that he would rise every morning and after getting cleaned up and having breakfast he would leave the shelter and go around picking up cigarette butts.  He would collect these during the day and would use the tobacco in them to roll his own cigarettes and then later in the afternoon he would return to the shelter for dinner around 4 pm.  George said he would often walk the streets just hoping that somehow he would be able to get a place of his own.  It made us sad to realize the daily hardships faced by many of our friends.

At this point our conversation circled back to Jacob and we talked about how he bargained with God after getting into serious trouble by defrauding his brother Esau.  Basically Jacob said that if God would provide food, clothing, shelter, and protection that then he would serve God.  These were not extravagant things that Jacob wanted but were just the basic necessities for life.  We talked about how we all pretty much spend our lives bargaining for the things we need in life and trying to ward off the inevitable losses.  But ultimately, reality is what it is and no bargaining can change it.  The way forward is never around the loss but rather goes right through it.

5.06.2011

It Helps Me To Yell

In our Free Store conversation on Thursday morning we talked about the second stage in the grief process known as DABDA: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.  Anger is often expressed as a form of the question, "Why the hell is this happening to me?"  Sheila told us that she was very angry when her husband Dave died and that she drank the whole day and night.  But she said through the support and love of friends and by talking about it and journalling about her anger she was able to deal with it better now.

Someone asked the question, "Why do we get angry?"  Eddie said that if we try to understand what is happening to us and can't figure it out that we get frustrated which then leads to anger.  A new friend that joined us for the first time said that she identified with that.  As a bus driver she often found herself lashing out at the kids but that she was learning to understand her own feelings.  Our friend Paul said that when you are angry you often strike out at others.

I told the group about a past experience of going to the bathroom in the middle of the night and being viciously bitten on the leg by the cat on the way back to bed.  This really pissed me off so of course I did what a rational person would do in that situation and slapped our dog that was sleeping peacefully on the foot of the bed.  It made us laugh to realize how irrational we can act in our anger.  George said that at one time he quit a job because his girlfriend broke up with him.  Eddie told us that he completely destroyed his house when his wife died.  He flipped furniture, punched holes in the walls and pretty much broke everything but the TV.  Beyond this he got himself arrested and put in prison where he beat the man that was responsible for her death.

At this point we talked a bit about how anger is often a mask for another emotion like fear, sadness, humiliation, or loss of control.  Eddie said that he looked up a definition of anger at one time and learned that anger is used to overpower when I feel weak and to control when I feel out of control.  He told us not to quote him on this but of course we did anyway.

The question was asked about how anger makes us feel?  Someone said it made you feel tense and that it was also an adrenaline rush.  Sheila said that you just don't care about nothin when you are angry.  George said that you gotta let it out.  Mickey said that when he was angry it helped to just yell.  This made us laugh but it led us to talk about the importance of releasing the energy that builds up in our muscles from our anger.  Someone said that exercise was a good way to release the tension from anger.  Our new friend said that praying helped her especially when her kids would cuss her out.  Mickey said that if you stay calm when someone is angry with you that it defuses the situation.

Eddie said that it helped him to take a good long walk to help calm him down when he was angry.  Danielle said she liked to read a book or crochet to help her relax.  Someone said that his grandma used to tell him as a kid "when you calm down then come back and talk to me."  At this point we talked a bit about how being aware of the things that might trigger our anger was also helpful in dealing with it.

As our conversation neared a conclusion George told us that he used to get angry when he couldn't get on the ticket at labor ready.  And he recommended reading the bible and watching movies that make you laugh.  Our new friend said that when George had invited her to join our conversation she initially thought that she didn't need it but she was glad she had stayed because it had really helped her.

5.05.2011

Maybe You Need a New God

Carlos joined us for our Free Store conversation on Wednesday morning and continued leading us in a study of the book of Galatians.  Our discussion centered around ideas of sin and brokenness.  Carlos started off by telling us that he was born with Scoliosis and it seemed to be getting worse as he got older.  He said that even though it was genetic and not something he brought on himself that he still had to deal with it.  We laughed when someone said that you can't change your genes but you can make them worse.

Carlos explained that there were different kinds of brokenness.  Transgression involved the bad things we do but yet do them without bad motivations.  He said this was like accidentally running over someone with your car.  Carlos said that sin was bad behavior done intentionally.  He said this was like intentionally running over someone with your car.  Sheila told Carlos that he shouldn't be driving which gave us a good laugh.  And we laughed more when someone said that being run over is a problem whether it was intentional or not.

Carlos told us that if we intentionally did bad things over and over again that we eventually get overcome by them.  At that point our bad habits have a hold on us and we can feel powerless to deal with them.  Our friend Eddie said that when he was nineteen years old he drank for six months straight from sun up to sunset.  He said that he couldn't stand the family fighting.  Carlos asked him what helped him at that time.  Eddie said that his wife told him that if he didn't stop drinking he would lose her.  He realized that he had an option and realized that she was "something I didn't want to lose."  He also told us that his mom and stepdad had made the choice to do drugs and stay in their life of crime and they were both in prison as a result.  It made us sad to think about the ways that people can damage their lives.  Someone said that God doesn't abandon those in prison and that people can learn from their mistakes in life.

We talked about how a person can get to the point that they just don't care about the bad things they do.  Carlos asked us what we thought would cause a person to get to that point.  Eddie said low self-esteem.  Janice said we might think we are hurting others by doing bad things.  George said that through a death or a divorce you just get to a point where you "don't care no more."   Janice told us that she almost lost her children from drinkin and druggin.  She was told that she had to straighten up or that her kids would be taken from  her.  At that point she realized she had a choice to either sober up or lose her kids and be institionalized and maybe die.  She told us that she has been sober for twenty-seven years which we celebrated with applause.

At this point Carlos shifted the conversation by telling us that we have primary responsibility for our own lives but that we can be secondary support for others.  Our friend Danielle said that you gotta take the initiative to change your life.  Carlos then asked us why we thought it was important to be gentle and humble in our approach to dealing with other people?  Eddie said you shouldn't think you're high an mighty.  He also said that Jesus was humble enough to wash other people's feet.  Someone else said that if a person has been overcome by something that they feel defeated and humiliated and that they need gentleness because they are exposed and vulnerable.

Carlos said that God is with us even when we do things that get us into trouble.  Our friend Paul said that someone had told him at one point, "maybe you need a new God."  They asked him where his God was when he was drinkin and ruinin his life.  Paul said that God was with him but not partakin which made us laugh.  Eddie said that we should think before we act and remember that for every action there is a reaction.

As our discussion moved to a conclusion Carlos reminded us that responsibility means that we have the ability to respond to things in our lives.  Janice told us that she tries to take care of everybody else and neglects her own problems.  Mickey said it was funny that we try to help other people with their problems when we can't fix our own.  Carlos asked Janice what problems she had that she wanted help with?  When she started talking about her dad Carlos stopped her and reminded her that we were asking about her issues which made us all laugh.  Janice took it with good humor and said that she just wasn't getting things done at home like folding the clothes and keeping the house clean.  She said she gets home and just loses all motivation to do anything.  She is a bit discouraged because she has recently completed her education but can't get a job.  So we encouraged her that completing her education was very important.  And we joked with her that now whenever we see her we are going to ask if her house is clean.

5.04.2011

Neo Took the Red Pill

In our Free Store conversation on Tuesday morning we started a discussion about the stages of grief. These five stages are based on the experiences of people that have been diagnosed with a terminal illness and how they deal with it. But they also apply any time that we lose something of value to us. The five stages are known as DABDA: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

One of our new friends started by telling us that her mom always denied physically abusing her as a child. She also said that her mom could never really admit that she had a drinking problem as well. Curtis said that denial is avoidance and that we tend to avoid things that we find upleasant or too painful to deal with. He also said that denial is a state of confusion in which we aren't able to think clearly.

We talked some about how people will often make excuses for themselves as a way to keep from dealing with the really negative stuff in their lives. Curtis said that blaming others is a way that we excuse ourselves. He got us laughing when he told us that his stepdad had actually blamed him for the death of his grandmother by killing her with his long hair and leather. Of course Curtis happened to be sporting a long Rambo-esque bowie knife so we could see how he might be considered a dangerous man.

At this point we talked about the movie "The Matrix" in which Morpheus offers Neo the choice of either the red pill or the blue pill. By taking the blue pill Neo would wake up with no memory of anything that had happened or by taking the red pill he would see how deep the rabbit hole went and learn the harsh truth about his world. Neo took the red pill and we encouraged one antoher to do the same no matter how difficult.  Our friend Eddie said its always better to be told the truth because it just makes you angry if people lie to you. He said it just don't feel good to be deceived. Lynn said that one lie often leads to another until you can't keep track of them anymore.

Robert said that he was beginning to realize that denial is a hindrance to acceptance. He also said that you can't change reality and that ultimately it hits you in the face. We talked about the importance of accepting the truth about ourselves and our lives no matter how painful. Liz said that if the truth sets you free then by denying the truth you are caging yourself off. At this point Eddie shared a scene from the Vin Diesel movie "XXX" about how a lion raised in a cage doesn't have that same look in its eye as the lion that has been captured.  Although we weren't exactly sure how this fit in it sounded like a very cool scene as he described it.

As we moved our conversation to a close Sheila said that if you stuff it in and stuff it in the problem doesn't go away.  She told us that it is better to find someone that you can trust and talk about things no matter how painful they may be.  Robert asked the question, "Do you think people can be in denial so deeply that it becomes a reality?"  At this many heads around the room were shaking in agreement.  It is very sobering to think that we can deny the truth so completely that we might never really see the reality of our lives.  However, no matter how deep in denial we might be we always have the choice to take the red pill.  This is good news because it means that we are only ever one choice away from being free of our cage.

5.01.2011

I Hate Myself for Letting Dave Die

We started our Free Store conversation on Saturday morning by talking about our blog and how interesting and fun it is to share the experiences and ideas of our friends.  George said our group can be looney tunes at times which made us laugh.  We talked about how each person is equal to every other and that each one of us has valuable insights rooted in our unique life experiences that can benefit all of us.

We continued the conversation by discussing the fact that loving ourselves is the starting point for learning to love others.  Someone said that religions often teach us to love others more than we love ourselves which is a bunch of bull which we thought was funny and true.  Jesus did not say to love others more than we love ourselves but to love others as we love ourselves.  So we looked at this from two angles.  Since we can love ourselves we also recognized that we can do the opposite which is to hate ourselves.  So a two-part question came up about the ways that we both hate ourselves and the ways that we love ourselves?

Our new friend Joshua said that he can't let go of the mistakes he had made and that he was having a hard time dealing with his past.  Someone said that it can be as difficult to forgive ourselves as it is to forgive others.  Sheila said that "I hate myself for letting Dave die."  She talked about how his last wish was to be at home under hospice care with her, Rocky (their large part-Rottweiler dog that Dave used to say would try to crawl in your pocket if you let him), and Rick at his side.  And she blamed herself that she was not able to do that for him.  Marney said that it is normal to grieve and that ultimately it is a process of acceptance.  Such negative feelings are a normal and  healthy part of the five stages of grief as long as we don't get stuck in them.

George told us that he hated himself for not telling his mom that he loved her before she died.  He said that he found it hard to say I love you but that he was learning to do it with the new friends he has made the last couple of years.  Mark said that drug addictions are a way that we express hatred of ourselves.  This led us to talk about how anything we do that causes harm to our bodies and emotions shows that there is something we do not like and do not accept about ourselves.

Marney told us that she hated that she was hyper and that she procrastinated.  At this point Janice shared that she had lost her mom nineteen months ago.  She  had a hard time with it in part because she was not able to be at her mom's side when she died.  But she was learning to accept it as God's will and was realizing that things can have a purpose even when we don't understand them.

Joelle shared with us that something she had heard in one of conversations a while back has stuck with her.  She said that the idea that Jesus was completely human and that he experienced all the emotions that we go through had been very meaningful to her.  She said, "I think about that when I get depressed."  She also said that she was trying to connect with her mom through facebook but that her mom had blocked her which was very painful.  However, she was going to keep trying because she did love her mom and wanted to find a way to reconnect with her.

As we moved our discussion to a conclusion someone suggested that by loving another person we are in reality showing love to ourselves since we are connected with others in ways that we don't even comprehend.  Sheila said that we can love ourselves by doing something that we want to do even if it is just getting a haircut.  Our friend Robert encouraged Sheila that God gives and takes away so that he hoped she wouldn't blame herself for Dave's death.  He also said that he thought the serenity prayer was something that could help us a great deal.  Initially he couldn't remember it but then it came to him and we all cheered him on as he recited it from memory.  "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."