In our Free Store conversation on Friday morning we continued talking about the importance of taking responsibility for our own lives. In his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People Stephen Covey refers to this as being proactive rather than just reacting to things that happen to us. In order to become proactive we need to learn how to distinguish between things in our circle of concern and things in our circle of influence.
The group was asked to share something that they were concerned about. Although Sheila was hesitant at first she said that she was concerned about her friend Rick's drinking. She said that when he drank too much that it "makes me tense" and that since she is a truthful person she tells him that it bothers her. She felt that Rick tends to hold things in even though he would talk about it at times. She went on to say that his drinking scared her because everytime she got close to someone they died and she is afraid that he is going to die as well. As we talked about this for a bit it became clear that although Sheila was concerned about Rick's drinking and ultimately his health that this was not something that she could control. And although there are many things that concern us it is counterproductive to spend too much time in our circle of concern. To be proactive requires that we focus on things we have power to control. We talked about how Sheila might be able to do something to control the tension she feels when Rick drinks and that could give her more of a sense of power than trying to change something that she couldn't.
At this point our friend Eddie said that his friends were concerned about him getting enough sleep. He said, "I'll get plenty of sleep when I die," which made laugh. He also said that life is short and that you don't know when you're gonna die. He said that unlike players in the MLB, NBA, and NFL, we don't have a contract with life. We talked about how our sleep patterns can be something that we have control over but we don't have any power over death. So although our death is in our circle of concern it is not in our circle of influence.
Donald said that "sometimes I feel like I'm gonna die. I feel like my heart is gonna stop beatin and I won't see my friends no more." He said that he didn't want to drink and do like his other friends did. He said that in the past, "I took a hammer to the walls and tore up the house." He also said that he didn't like white people and would tell them to "kiss my ass" even though he knew it was wrong. We talked about how Donald had no power over death but that he could do something effective to deal with his anger and his racial prejudices. George said that it helped to read the Bible when he felt afraid because it could make you feel better. He also said that at one time he had given up on getting his GED and said, "shit on it, to hell with it" but through the encouragement of friends like Julie and Jack he got motivated again. He said that sometimes it takes a little help. Eddie said that it helped him to read a good book.
We talked about how important it is to function in our circle of influence rather than spending time spinning our wheels in our circles of concern. Just because we are concerned about something doesn't mean that we have any power over it. It is far better to focus on the things that we have the power to change.
As our conversation moved toward a conclusion George said, "I used to judge homeless people." But he felt more compassion for people now. He said he realized that it was especially hard for a woman to be on the streets. He told us that he used to have a mean, hard heart but that he had changed over the last couple of years and felt better about himself. We teased George that he was just a softy at heart and told him that his beautiful art reflected the beauty that was in his own soul.
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