I Was Down So Low the Sidewalk Seemed Like a Skyscraper

In our Free Store conversation on Saturday morning we discussed the fourth step in the process of grief known as DABDA: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.  We started by talking about how in some ways depression is the most dangerous step in the process of grieving our losses because it crushes hope and breeds despair which can lead to suicide.

The question came up if anyone had ever been really depressed and what it feels like when we are going through it.  Our friend Cliff said said "Yeah" in a way that for some reason made us all laugh.  He went on to say that when you are depressed that you lose hope but that you can't give up and that you need someone to talk to.  Later in the day another friend shared with us that he had gone to a doctor for his depression at one point and was asked what he was feeling.  He said, "I want to kill my family and yet don't have the motivation."  The doctor said, "I'm not going to write that down in your file."

We talked about how in depression we often feel isolated and alone and that our thinking becomes very dark and negative.  Our friend Mark told us about a time in his life that he admitted himself into a substance abuse program for his cocaine addiction.  The program was run by former Hells Angels and Pagan biker gang members.  He said that in one session when he was throwing a pity party for himself this hells angel counselor got up in his face and said, "tell me about that special problem you have that nobody else in the history of the world has ever had."  This made us laugh as we realized how irrational our feelings can be when we slip into a negative and depressive state.

Sheila told us that she had closed herself off from people when her husband Dave died.  She said that it was hard to talk to people but that it was helping her to write things down and to talk about it with friends she could trust.  Our friend Paul said that when you are depressed its like you have a negative aura around you and that you don't want to bring other people down so you close yourself off.

At this point our conversation turned to a character in the bible by the name of Jeremiah.  Although we often view these people as saints they were just normal people going through the same experiences that we all go through.  We talked about how Jeremiah wrote his feelings down in the book of Lamentations and that it was obvious that he was depressed at that stage in his life.  He blamed God for all the bad things in his life, he felt isolated and alone, he was suffering physically and felt immobilized to do anything positive to help himself.  However, ultimately he gained hope by recognizing that God's lover never fails and that each new day brings new opportunities.

We talked about how we often feel paralyzed when we go through depression and that we stop doing positive things that could actually help lift our spirits, like exercising, eating properly, and getting enough sleep.  Robert said that when depressed you might smoke too much and drink too much as well.  He also asked the question about how knowing that God's love never fails can help you on a practical level.  He told us that he was exchanging letters with a guy in prison for life and that it was difficult because there was no hope in the man's letters.  He said that it was hard to internalize positive things like God's love for us when circumstances are so negative.  This was a challenging question that sobered us as we realized how dark life can be at times.

Mark said that it can help to reflect on our past and to realize that we have come through hard times before.  Jack said that it might help to recognize that this world is not our home and that we have a more hopeful future to look forward to.  At this point a new friend told us that he was given up for adoption at birth because he father had tried to shoot his mother while she was pregnant with him.  He said that he grew up in LA in foster homes and got involved in drugs and gangs.  He said that at one point "I was down so low the sidewalk seemed like a skyscraper" which made us laugh.  However, he had survived all those things and had found a new life through faith and hope in God.

As we moved our conversation to a close George said that bible study helped to calm him down.  He also said that he would be depressed all the time if not for the new friends he had made through the free store.  Our friend Paul said that he had been in a funk recently but that our last few converstions about the stages of grief had helped him. We laughed when someone said that together we are always smarter than we are alone which also seemed like a good note on which to end our conversation.