It Helps Me To Yell

In our Free Store conversation on Thursday morning we talked about the second stage in the grief process known as DABDA: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.  Anger is often expressed as a form of the question, "Why the hell is this happening to me?"  Sheila told us that she was very angry when her husband Dave died and that she drank the whole day and night.  But she said through the support and love of friends and by talking about it and journalling about her anger she was able to deal with it better now.

Someone asked the question, "Why do we get angry?"  Eddie said that if we try to understand what is happening to us and can't figure it out that we get frustrated which then leads to anger.  A new friend that joined us for the first time said that she identified with that.  As a bus driver she often found herself lashing out at the kids but that she was learning to understand her own feelings.  Our friend Paul said that when you are angry you often strike out at others.

I told the group about a past experience of going to the bathroom in the middle of the night and being viciously bitten on the leg by the cat on the way back to bed.  This really pissed me off so of course I did what a rational person would do in that situation and slapped our dog that was sleeping peacefully on the foot of the bed.  It made us laugh to realize how irrational we can act in our anger.  George said that at one time he quit a job because his girlfriend broke up with him.  Eddie told us that he completely destroyed his house when his wife died.  He flipped furniture, punched holes in the walls and pretty much broke everything but the TV.  Beyond this he got himself arrested and put in prison where he beat the man that was responsible for her death.

At this point we talked a bit about how anger is often a mask for another emotion like fear, sadness, humiliation, or loss of control.  Eddie said that he looked up a definition of anger at one time and learned that anger is used to overpower when I feel weak and to control when I feel out of control.  He told us not to quote him on this but of course we did anyway.

The question was asked about how anger makes us feel?  Someone said it made you feel tense and that it was also an adrenaline rush.  Sheila said that you just don't care about nothin when you are angry.  George said that you gotta let it out.  Mickey said that when he was angry it helped to just yell.  This made us laugh but it led us to talk about the importance of releasing the energy that builds up in our muscles from our anger.  Someone said that exercise was a good way to release the tension from anger.  Our new friend said that praying helped her especially when her kids would cuss her out.  Mickey said that if you stay calm when someone is angry with you that it defuses the situation.

Eddie said that it helped him to take a good long walk to help calm him down when he was angry.  Danielle said she liked to read a book or crochet to help her relax.  Someone said that his grandma used to tell him as a kid "when you calm down then come back and talk to me."  At this point we talked a bit about how being aware of the things that might trigger our anger was also helpful in dealing with it.

As our conversation neared a conclusion George told us that he used to get angry when he couldn't get on the ticket at labor ready.  And he recommended reading the bible and watching movies that make you laugh.  Our new friend said that when George had invited her to join our conversation she initially thought that she didn't need it but she was glad she had stayed because it had really helped her.