In our Free Store conversation on Tuesday morning we explored the final step in the five stages of grief known as DABDA: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. Not every one that experiences loss goes through all the stages and certainly not in any specific order. However, knowing the process can help us become more self-aware which can be very empowering.
We started the discussion with a question about what were some of the most difficult things to accept in our lives. One of our friends said that she had lost her mom about two years ago and was still finding it hard to deal with. She said that mother's day on Sunday was a very tough day for her. I shared with the group that I had lost my mom about a year and a half ago and had found it difficult to accept that she had suffered a few amputations from diabetes before she died. It was very painful for me to watch her suffer so much the last few years of her life.
Another new friend said that his house was being remodelled and that he had to sleep on the floor at a friend's house until the job was finished. He was having trouble dealing with this because it was taking longer than expected and he had already been on the floor for thirty days. He sounded a little grumpy so we sympathized rather than teasing him about it. George told us that he served five years in prison and that the time went quicker once he accepted it. He also said that his brother died at age twenty-one and his mom died at age forty-nine and that he had felt alone since then. But he couldn't wait to get in touch with his remaining family and tell them all about his new "family" here in Charlotte.
We talked a bit about how acceptance is really an internal attitude as much as anything. We often can't bring back the things we have lost but we can choose how we are going to deal with the loss. We looked at the character Job in the bible, a man that lost most of his wealth and all of his children in the same day. He didn't understand it and yet at one point he said, "this will turn out for my deliverance." Rick said that during the Great Depression bible salesmen did very well because people needed hope when things looked bleak. As we discussed it a bit more we began to realize that acceptance is seeing that our losses are not the end of the book but merely another chapter in the ongoing story of our lives. Out of the pain of loss and grief we can move forward into a happier space of new beginnings.
Sheila said that when Dave died she didn't want to accept it and didn't think she was there yet. She told us that she used to look for him in the house all the time. She said that she had been having Rick go to the Food Lion grocery store for her because it was too painful to shop there because she saw everything that Dave liked to eat. But she was realizing that she had to go on with her life. Another friend said that her mom loved sugar free Klondike bars so she could only buy ice cream at places that didn't sell them because it was too painful for her.
At this point in the discussion our friend Terrence said that he thought acceptance can be a breakthrough for us. He said that when bad things happen in our lives we can consider the question, "Was it the will of God or something that I have done?" He also said that acceptance gives us a positive way forward because we realize that something good can come out of something bad.
As our conversation moved to a conclusion one of our new friends said that last Thursday $1,200 worth of stuff had been stolen from her house, including a Wii game system. She was discouraged by this loss initially but had then received a $1,000 check in the mail and someone that owed her $300 had decided it was time to pay her back. She said that this made up for the loss and she felt that it had to be God which made her feel very thankful. Another friend said, "I have diabetes and although it was hard to accept at first it's just something I have to live with." She said that she was seventy-four years old and that she had a lot to be thankful for which made us all smile and nod in agreement.
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