6.30.2011

It Was Really An Ego Thing

Carlos joined us for our Free Store conversation on Wednesday morning.  He started by asking us to imagine what it would be like to have a group of teenage boys to care for.  Sheila said, "You're dead" which made us laugh.  Carlos then asked us to think about our relationship to God as parent to child and to reconize that "you've had some bad ideas" which also made us laugh.  He said that we are all stubborn and determined to do what we want but that may simply be because we like our freedom.

As we moved into the discussion Carlos said we would be looking at Romans 1.  He said that we all tend to place something of ultimate value in the place of God.  At this one of our new friends said, "I have to remind myself not to get into that ego thing."  She said that sometimes she wanted to post comments on FB about her relationship with God but didn't out of fear of what others would think of her.  Carlos said that is is easier to work with God when you acknowledge God.

At this point we talked a bit about our ideas about God and how they might impact our lives.  Carlos said that over the years he had heard some pretty strange ideas about God.  He told us about a guy that thought when he died his heart would go up in the sky and merge somehow with the heart of God.  Someone else said that she had just talked with someone recently that felt that unless a person referred to God as "Yahweh" that they don't really believe.  Carlos suggested that we all probably define God in the wrong terms on some level.

As Carlos read a bit further in Romans 1the idea came up about God abandoning people and giving them up to their impulses because they don't acknowledge the existence of God.  Carlos asked, "Have you ever had to let somoene go?"  He said this could be very difficult because "I'm thinking about me and my feelings" rather than what might be best for the other person.  Someone said that for years she had fought the idea of her little girl spending one week with her dad and then one week with her.  She said that in retrospect it was really an ego thing because the little girl actually loves that arrangement now and it is working really well.

As our conversation moved to a conclusion we talked about what it means to let someone go.  One of our new friends said that his brother is an alcoholic but won't admit it.  He went on to say that when his mom went into a nursing home that the brother really struggled and actually went to the nursing home drunk because he was missing his moma.  At this our friend George said that "I was the baby boy in my family.  I was the pet."  He said that when he was in a chain gang that one of the guards had to convince George's mom to let him remain in prison and let him pay the consequences for his mistakes.  Although it was hard she did it and George felt that it was good for him in the long run.

6.29.2011

Her Ears Are Fine, She Just Hears What She Wants To

In our Free Store conversation on Tuesday morning we talked about the importance of seeking to understand people.  This is one of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People that Stephen Covey refers to as "seek first to understand then to be understood."  We talked initially about the importance of a habit as something that we do regularly and repeatedly which over time comes to define our lives.  Sheila said that she used to clean her house every day after work which her kids thought was a bad habit which made us laugh.

We started the conversation by talking about what it takes to be a good listener.  Our friend Terrence said that respect is the main thing.  He said that we all want to be respected especially for something good.  At this point Donald jumped in and said that he didn't want to listen to people that called him names and made fun of him for reading his bible.  Our new friend Terry said that character is important because people have to trust us if they are going to open up and really talk to us.

At this point our friend Stephanie said that sometimes when you are listening to someone else you are really "thinking about what you are going to say next."  So we talked a bit about the different types of listening like ignoring, pretending to listen, selective listening.  I told the group that when my sister was little my mom took her to the doctor because she had a hearing problem.  After the check up the doctor said, "her ears are fine, she just hears what she wants to."  As I recall the diagnosis was the cure.

We talked about how genuine listening is empathic.  Empathy is like sympathy but a little different.  Sympathy is "feeling with" the other person where empathy is more about "entering into" and understanding the other person's feelings.  Our friend Terry said that to really listen to understand someone takes time.  Sheila said that it can be hard to understand somebody.  She told us about a guy that she had talked with and he ended up crying because nobody had ever listened to his story before.  She went on to say that people trust her because "they know I won't say nuthin to anybody else."

As the conversation moved toward a conclusion our friend Stephanie said "don't jump to conclusions" when you are listening to someone else.  At this George told us about his friend Kathy who died recently.  He said she drank and got beat up a lot but that he knew her as a good person and missed her.  He went on to say that in the past "I didn't care about nobody but me" and that "I was the devil hisself" which made us laugh.  He also said that "if you don't shed no tears you don't have a heart."    We teased George about crying while watching the sappy movies he likes and he didn't deny it which made us laugh.  Stephanie said that she would often pray "Lord break my heart for what breaks yours."

6.28.2011

Making Deposits in the Emotional Bank

In our Free Store conversation on Saturday morning we continued our discussion about the importance of making emotional deposits into our relational bank accounts.  This is part of a strategy that Stephen Covey refers to as "think win/win" in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.  We discussed how making a deposit in another person's emotional bank builds a reserve of positive emotion and is very important because there will be times we will screw up and make withdrawals as well.  We laughed when someone said how awful it was to go to the bank for a withdrawal and have no money in the account.

Our new friend Angel said that it made you feel good when you helped someone else.  He said that simple things like paying bills and helping with the kids and sharing love together were important ways to keep a relationship positive.  We talked about how doing little things for another person can go a long way to making that person feel valued and loved.

At this point in the conversation we talked about the importance of keeping our commitments and promises as a way of making emotional deposits in another person's life.  One of our new friends said that it "hurts real bad" when someone lets you down.  We talked about how keeping our promises communicates to the other person that they matter to us and that we value them in our lives.

Sheila said that another way to make a deposit in someone's life is by "being honest to each other."  She also said that honesty can make you feel bad at times because the truth is not always something that we want to hear.  At this one of our new friends said that her fiance had just walked off this morning because he got upset with her for being honest with someone about their situation.

We talked about how important it was to apologize when we made a mistake as a way to make a positive deposit in someone's emotional bank.  One of our new friends said, "It was hard to apologize to my mom for things I did when I was younger."  She said, "I was afraid to talk to her because I didn't know how she would react."  She went on to say that it got so bad that it was making her physically sick and that when she finally did apologize her mom handled it very well and she felt much better.  We talked about how it is as important to apologize for our own faults as it is to forgive the faults of others.  We also noted the negative effects of our own strong emotions when we don't manage them properly.

As the conversation moved to a conclusion one of our friends said, "I got a question."  She told us that her fiance had walked out on her earlier in the morning because she had told someone the truth about their situation and in particular about him being on probation.  She wanted to know if we thought she did the right thing by being honest in that situation.  We all sympathized with our friend and tried to encourage her.  We thought that it was always a good idea to act in our own best interest even if there were difficult consequences that had to be faced as a result.

6.25.2011

So What If I Can't Talk

In our Free Store conversation on Friday morning we continued talking about the win/win paradigm of human social interaction.  This is one of the principles highlighted by Stephen Covey in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.  There are actually six paradigms of human interaction: win/win, win/lose, lose/win, loose/loose, win, and win/win or no deal.  At this point Sheila said, "there is always a winner and a loser."  Covey encourages us to think win/win since that results in the highest good for both parties.

We started the conversation by talking about the Emotional Bank Account.  We talked about the importance of making positive deposits into other peoples lives in order to have a strong relational bond.  The question was asked about what we can do to make deposits in the emotional bank that will make people feel good about themselves.  Jack said that it doesn't take anything away from yourself to make another person feel good.  Sheila said that one way to make someone feel good is to take the time to talk to them and get to know them.  She went on to say that even if people are withdrawn that you can still talk to them and get feedback.

Rick told us that when he used to walk into someone's office he would look around at the walls.  He said he would look at the pictures to figure out what the person was interested in and talk about that.  If there were pictures of fish he would talk about fishing which made us laugh.  At this point Jack said that he had an "eclectic memory" because "I pick and choose what I want to remember."

Sheila said that another way we could make someone feel good about themselves was by giving compliments.  She went on to say that they have to be genuine otherwise "they'll know you are bullshitting" which made us laugh.  Jack said that we have trouble loving ourselves because we know our flaws better than anyone else.  He said that it can be a real challenge to recognize our own worth.  At this George said "they put me in a special class when I was a kid coz I'm a slow learner."  He also said, "I was shy cos I can't talk, but so what if I can't talk."  We talked a bit about how self-acceptance involves even embracing our flaws.

As the conversation progressed we talked about how even small things we do can really help another person feel good about themselves.  George said that he used to cook or bake a cake for his wife to make her feel good.  He said it didn't work which made us laugh.  Sheila told us about being homeless and having someone give her a pack of cigarettes and how that really made her feel good.  Jack said that he was recently telling someone about how he never got hugged so not only did she hug him but gave him a big fat kiss on the cheek.  George said that just that morning Jack had given him a hug and said good morning in a way that made him feel better.

As the conversation moved toward a conclusion Jack said, "I can spout off theories, but have difficulty putting them into practice."  We all agreed that it was difficult to put into practice the good things that we think but we also agreed that it was worth the effort and encouraged one another to do our best.

6.24.2011

You Can't Go Forward If You're Always Lookin Back

In our Free Store conversation on Thursday morning we talked about the importance of learning to think win/win.  This is one of the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People according to Stephen Covey.  We talked about how it is very easy to get into serious conflict with people and that things can get ugly.  Joelle said that sometimes you just "want to kick someone's ass" which made us laugh.

The question was asked to start things off, "what does it mean to think win/win?"  On of our new friends said that it meant to think before you act.  Joelle said that it meant that you handled a situation in such a way that both people could walk away feeling good about things.  Terrence said that he thought it involved having a "championship mentality."  He said that you can't always win with a fist fight and that you had to use other resources to achieve your goals.

We talked a bit at this point about what is involved in approaching relationships with a win/win mentality.  Joelle said that sometimes you just had to take a step back from the situation.  And even though it could be difficult there were times when it was important to not say anything at all so as not to make the situation worse.  She went on to say that things can be said that are "hurtful and hateful."

Our friend Carolyn said that it was important to practice forgiveness.  She said that she was learning how to let go and let God.  She said that it was important to tune things out at times and not let it get under your skin.  At this Terrence said that it was important to stay positive.  He said, "don't let your enemy bring you down to his level."  Carolyn said there was an old saying, "you can't go to heaven with grudges in your heart" which made us laugh.

As we talked about forgiveness Joelle said that in order to think win/win, "I have to be willing to apologize for my actions."  This led us to discuss the importance of taking responsibility for our own part in the conflicts we have with others.  It is as important to be willing to apologize as it is to forgive.  We talked a bit about how we can lock ourselves in the past by constantly rehearsing the things that have hurt us.  Joelle told us that "you can't move forward if you're always looking back."  Someone else said it would be like walking forward with your head always facing behind you which made us laugh.

As the conversation moved to a conclusion George said, "you don't know what's goin through someone's mind."  He said that people on the street have it hard and that we should be compassionate.  He said that a person "could have had a toothe ache" which made us laugh.  We laughed because George recently had a toothe ache (and complained loudly and incessantly about it!) and had to have a molar removed yesterday.  At this Jack said that since people don't generally go around sayin "I got a toothe ache" that the only way to really get to know what people are going through was through genuine friendship.

6.22.2011

It Makes Me Feel Good to Make a Jelly Sandwich

A youth group from Mount Pisgah Academy joined us for our Free Store conversation on Tuesday morning.  Since the meeting room was too small for our group we moved outside and sat under the shady trees and listened to the city traffic in the background.  The Pisgah group told us that they will be travelling around for five weeks this summer just helping out wherever they are needed.  They said that "our motto is Yes!"  Someone said that they might be sorry for saying that before the day was over which made us laugh.

To begin our conversation we went around the circle and read Romans 12 out loud.  At least those with arms long enough or glasses strong enough read it.  After this someone said that the chapter talks a lot about being selfless and willing to help others.  We were asked to talk about anything that we thought was important about the passage.

Jack said, "I am a doer.  If something needs done then that is worship to me."  He said that there are many ways that you can help people.  He also said that "people will say thank you for something and I don't even remember doing it."  Our new friend Joseph said that if you don't love others then how can you say you love God because God is love.

At this point Marney said that in helping others you have to be really strong.  She said that unless you are actually helping people in the right way that you can become an enabler of bad behavior.  Liz said, "I hate it when people say 'It makes me feel good to help other people.'"  She said, "It makes me feel good to make a jelly sandwich but that's not why I do it" which made us laugh.  She went on to say that love is not easy and that it is multifaceted and ultimately it is a decision we make.  She said that when you help someone it doesn't mean that they are below you because you are helping them.

Our new friend Beth told us that when she started doing these excursions with the Mount Pisgah youth group that she told them that she would work right alongside them.  She said that on the first job they were helping clean up a yard that was completely out of control.  As they started to work the lady that owned the property brought two chairs and wanted her to sit down and talk while the kids worked.  She said it was very hard to just sit there and have a conversation with the woman while the kids did the work.  But she realized that sometimes just being with someone is as important as anything else we can do for them.

As the conversation moved to a conclusion our friend Terrence said that  no matter what you are going through that God is with you.  Our new friend Joseph told us that although it is natural to want to retaliate when someone hurts you that it is possible to love others even when we are mistreated.  Although that sounded like a very hard thing to do we also thought it was some deep wisdom from our young friend.

6.20.2011

How Do you Spell WERK?

In our Free Store conversation Friday morning we started with the question, "How do we focus on what is really important in our lives?"  It is not always easy to know what is really important and it can be even more challenging to stay focused on the important things.  Steven Covey in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People says that we need to learn to put first things first in our lives.  We talked about how sometimes the urgent things and the easy things can actually distract us from the really important things.

Jack told us about a saying he had heard that had stuck with him over the years.  "The lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency on my part."  He said that urgent things are not always as important as they seem.

Sheila told us that after her husband Dave died that she was feeling very sorry for herself and didn't even want to leave her room.  She said that a friend had helped her realize the importance of getting back into things even though she didn't like what he said at the time.  She told us that by just getting up and coming to the Free Store that her attitude had changed.  She also said that she realized that Dave would want her to get on with life.

Joelle said that sometimes the fear of failure can keep us from doing what we know is important.  She said that she had been looking for a job for so long that right up until her orientation at Ikea last week she was afraid she wouldn't get the job.  She said that it has been so long since she had a job that she asked a co-worker, "How do you spell work?  WERK?" which made us laugh.  Jack said that ignorance can be a reason that we procrastinate and put off doing the important things.  Joelle told us that her dad had pulled money out of an IRA account and it had cost him about $4,200 at tax time and that he realized too late how important it was to be well informed about such decisions.

George said "my mind says I'm wasting my time.  I'm 51 and trying to get my GED."  He also said he was beginning to realize how important it was for him to get his Driver's License.  We talked about how important things do not always give us immediate gratification which makes it harder for us to stay focused on them.  Jack said that we had to learn how to prioritize things in order to accomplish what was important.  He said that he has a list in his car of eight things that he needs to do today in the order in which he will do them which made us smile.

We talked about how the urgent can often take priority over the important.  Someone said that its like when the phone rings and you drop everything else to answer it.  The phone call may not be very important but because it is urgent we give it our attention.  Joelle said that is why Ikea won't even let their employees carry their cell phones while on the job.

As the conversation moved to a conclusion we talked about prioritizing and then staying focused on the things that were really important in our lives.  Someone said that we shouldn't let the urgent things or the fun things detract us from doing the important things.  Jack said that "all work and no play make Jack a dull boy" which made us laugh.  We decided that having fun is just as important as anything else in our lives.

6.17.2011

That Bible Study Was Boring

George Dunn joined us and led our Free Store conversation on Thursday morning.  He started by telling us that he wanted to talk about judging people.  He said that the bible said a lot about this and that although he wasn't a scholar he had learned some things from experience over the years.  He told us that one of the main things Jesus said about it was that we shouldn't judge others because we will be judged by the same standard we use against them.

George went on to tell us that at one time in his life he worked with a very smart group of scientists at Glaxo Pharmaceuticals.  He said they were all Ph. D.'s and could be very difficult to work with because they were arrogant and thought they were better than everybody else.  But he learned from this that no matter how smart someone is there is always room for improvement.

George told us that at one time he had a very hard time dealing with gays because he grew up with a lot of prejudice.  But over the years he started to wonder why he was just singling out this one group of people.  He told us that it occurred to him that the bible mentioned a lot of sins that people commit but that we don't go on a crusade against every thing that we find disagreeable.  He suggested that maybe we should organize a compaign against "damn liars" because the bible condemns lying which made us laugh.

On of our new friends said it was easy to be judgmental.  She said that someone might leave our bible study and say "those people don't know what they are talking about and that bible study was boring."  She went on to say that if you only look for the negative that you miss all the good stuff.  Our friend George said that "people have been judgin me recently and I've been acceptin it without sayin much."  He said that he had been on the streets and done a lot of things in his life and that he tried to have compassion on people.

Someone brought up that bad behavior always looks worse when someone else does it than when we do it ourselves.  He said that he can't stand jerks that tailgate his car but then when he tailgates someone else he doesn't see himself as a jerk.  Our friend Larry told us about a time someone pulled up really close behind him which made him angry.  So he just put his head down and kept going at his own slow speed.  He said that he grumbled to himself all the way to the stop sign but that when he looked back the car had turned off and was nowhere to be seen.  This made us laugh as we realized that judging others can actually have a more negative effect on us than on the person we are judging.

As the conversation moved to a conclusion one of our new friends said that we can be very harsh and judgmental about people in the things we say.  He also said that if you dig a ditch you have to careful because you could very well fall into it yourself.

6.14.2011

If You Want It and Need It Just Do It

In our Free Store conversation on Saturday morning we talked about the importance of will power to effect positive change in our lives.  This is one of the key ideas in Stephen Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Successful People.  He says that effective self-management requires that we learn to proactively take responsibility for our lives and to use the power of our will to do it.

We started the conversation by talking about the difference between wanting and willing.  Sheila said that she knew what it was like to "want something, really want want it" which made us laugh.  She said that she had actually wanted her deceased husband Dave to come back and appear to her and hold her again.  Rick said that "wanting is dreaming" and "willing is doing" which made a lot of sense.  George said that he knew something about will power because "you gotta have will power to cut seven yards in 3 1/2 hours in the heat of the day."  We agreed that there are many things that we may want but only a few of our wants become reality because we don't will them into existence.

Sheila said that when it comes right down to it "let's see if you're lazy or what."  We talked about how we may want something, and need something, but ultimately nothing happens if we don't will it and do it.  We think Nike got it right with their slogan, "Just Do It."  Sheila said that she wanted and needed to exercise but that she just kept putting it off.  She also said that when Dave died she just didn't want to do nothing but friends encouraged her to get out of the house and start living again.  She said that it made her feel better to get out and do stuff even though it was hard.

Our friend Donald said that he was glad I had kept my promise and taken him out for lunch at Showmars on Thursday.  Although we weren't sure how that fit in we thanked Donald for taking part in the conversation.  He also told us that he feels like giving up at times but doesn't because of his faith in God and "cos I believe the bible."  We encouraged Donald to never give up because his life mattered no matter how bad he felt.

At this point we talked about the fact that we have the power of will which means that we ultimately create our own lives.  The life that we create for ourselves ultimately has an effect on others.  At this George said that he had recently seen his step daughter who he had helped raise for a while when she was little.  He said that she has a job now and six kids and it makes him feel good to think that his influence had helped her as she became an adult.

As the conversation moved to a conclusion we talked about how it might be difficult to exercise our will power to make positive changes but that it is well worth the effort.  Someone said it is like having to push a car that has run out of gas.  Rick said that when he was a young man that he had an Austin Healy 3000 and that "I pushed it more than I drove it" which made us laugh.  It is an amazing thing to realize that the human will has the power to put life in motion.

6.10.2011

Peace, Love, and Marijuana

Our friend George Dunn joined us on Thursday morning and asked, "Did anybody ever read Yoder?"  Curtis said, "Yes but he was killed with a light saber" which made some of us to laugh.  Someone said that they could see what kind of a conversation this was going to be.

George told us that he wanted to talk about the importance of having a fruitful life.  He said that he had learned a while back that a person is not defined by their rhetoric or theology but by the kind of life that they live.  He went on to say that faith is not about rewards and punishments in a future life but that the good news is that we can all have an abundant life in the present.

We talked a bit about how the abundant life is not about presenting a certain image but is rather the outgrowth of our character, our deepest selves.  Someone said that fruit may look good on the outside but can be rotten within.  Joelle said that when she was a kid that they used to eat crab apples.  She said, "It's like we ate those things thinking the taste would change" which made us laugh.  George said that his 27 year old son used to call kids that looked like skateboarders but didn't know anything about it "posers."  His son had wanted to be a professional skater before he was injured.  He said that if kids didn't know what a 360 kick flip was he knew that they weren't real skaters.

George said that we all go through seasons of fruitfulness and barrenness in our lives.  He said that what really mattered in life was a character based on qualities like love, joy, peace, patience, generosity and things like that.  He said that those things define a person far more than what we see from the outside.  At this Curtis showed us a hat that George had given him that he wears all the time and that we think makes him look like a smaller version of the professional wrestler known as The Undertaker.  Curtis said that he loved that hat and was grateful that George had given it to him.  Our friend Marney said that for her it was important to give cheerfully in order for it to be productive.

As the conversation moved toward a conclusion Curtis said that you know when  you have been given a gift.  He said that one of his gifts was compassion.  He told us that he had helped two couples just last evening that were having some relationship problems.  One of the couples had told him, "you make us feel better."  At this Joelle said that she couldn't sleep last night and found herself watching Woodstock The Movie at around 3:00 am.  She said it was the perfect example of diverse people coming together in peace and love to support each other.  George added that it might also have had something to do with the marijuana which made us laugh.

6.09.2011

Gotta Serve Somebody

Carlos joined us for our Free Store conversation on Wednesday morning and said that we were going to begin a study of the biblical book of Romans.  Joelle noticed that this book was actually a letter written to the Romans.  At this Carlos asked us, "Where did the Romans live?"  After an awkward pause Rick looked at Carlos with a quizzically disdainful look and said, "In Rome" which made us laugh.

Somehow this led to a bit of a discussion about different cultures.  Carlos said that Rome was in Italy and that a culture is really just a system that structures our lives.  At this I talked about my Italian friend Sergio who likes to gives man hugs and to kiss on the cheek which always makes me uncomfortable.  Our friend Eddie said that in South Carolina they would build back yard bonfires.  He said that in Clover where he is from that people would build bonfires on each side of the street and just go from house to house like a big family party.

At this point Carlos brought us back to Romans and said that the letter was written by a guy named Paul.  We talked about how at one time Paul had been persecuting christians but then became one himself.  Someone said that we would call a person like that a religious fanatic or terrorist today.

Carlos pointed out that Paul referred to himself as a slave of Jesus.  He said that slavery was very negative from our point of view but that ultimately we are all slaves to something or another it's just a question if we have a good master or not.  He said that we could be a slave of Bank of America and do whatever they told us just for a paycheck.  At this Rick mentioned the lyric of a Bob Dylan song, "you're gonna have to serve somebody" which made us smile.

"You may be a construction worker working on a home
You may be living in a mansion or you might live in a dome
You might own guns and you might even own tanks
You might be somebody’s landlord, you might even own banks

But you’re gonna have to serve somebody, yes indeed
You’re gonna have to serve somebody
Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord
But you’re gonna have to serve somebody"

Our friend George said, "I ain't never been a slave, but I been locked up.  I don't like nobody tellin me when to eat and sleep.  I like to eat when I want and do what  I want" which made us laugh.

We talked a bit at this point about how Paul was sent by God on a mission and that he had a purpose in life.  Our friend Joelle said that Paul was an entrepreneur because he did something that nobody else was doing at the time.  Eddie said that last year after his wife died that he had a warrant out on him so he turned himself in and served his time.  He told us that he then went to live with his dad but got thrown out and ended up here in Charlotte.  He said, "I'm pointed in the right direction now but just have to figure out what to do."

Carlos suggested that the key to finding our purpose in life was finding freedom from the things that held us back.  He said that we all have desires that if not controlled can lead us astray.  At this Eddie told us about his tattoos which mean, "I'm half alive, half dead."  On the right side of his body he has tattoos that symbolize witchcraft and paganism and things that he used to do that got him into trouble.  On the left side where his heart is he has the symbol of a dove and the serenity prayer which he finds inspiring.

As the conversation moved to a conclusion someone mentioned a sermon by Tony Campolo, a popular Baptist preacher.  The sermon is titled, "It's Friday but Sunday's Comin" and reminds us that no matter how difficult things may be that our lives matter and that God is with us and things do get better.  No matter how deep the shit we can always shovel our way out of it.

6.08.2011

You Can't Just Half-Ass Ask

Our lively cougar friend Liz joined us for our Free Store conversation on Tuesday morning and said she had been thinking about a verse in the biblical book of James the last couple of days. However, before we got that far into the conversation our friend Jack had said, "I've been married for 45 years. I think it's gonna last" which had us laughing.

To begin the conversation Liz actually read James 1:2-8 and said that the thing that stuck out for her was the phrase in verse 5 that says God gives wisdom "to all without finding fault." Liz said, "There are things that I do that aren't very wise."  At this Jack said, "Don't we all" which made us smile.  Liz went on to tell us that she didn't always spend money wisely, or make very good food choices, or handle relationships very well.  And she said that we might begin to think that we have to deserve wisdom.  However, she said that the reality is that wisdom is there for us, right there for the taking if we ask for it.  But she said that "you can't just half-ass ask God for wisdom" which we thought was both clever and very funny.  At this point Liz asked us to share our thoughts on the passage she had read or the thoughts she had presented.

Jack raised the question about why we want wisdom.  He thought there would be an important distinction between wanting wisdom to do things for God or just to do things for yourself.  This led Marney to talk about how she felt she needed a lot of wisdom in dealing with her children.  She said that her oldest son Marco goes through depression and that she fears he will either die or go to jail because of the way he is acting.  She talked about how she could be overbearing and take charge which is something that she sees in her mom and doesn't like.  At this point Eddie mentioned the Serenity Prayer and Mickey said, "I know that prayer."  Both of them then said together but not quite in unison, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."  We talked about how wisdom is knowing the difference between the things we have control over and the things we don't and learning to focus only on the things we can control.

Jack said that although people definitely get old they don't necessarily get wise.  He said that wisdom consists in learning over time what not to do.  He went on to say that we learn this either by personally paying the price or seeing someone else pay it.  Our friend Eddie said, "I look at things my momma and daddy did" and learn from their mistakes.  He also said that small things can make a big difference, even something like picking a flower for your wife.  He said, "wisdom is choosing an action that helps you out in the long run."  Marney told us about a decision she made at one point to spend money on a rather expensive dessert at Amelies rather than putting gas in her car.  She said that wisdom tells her that "since I'm on a fixed income, don't eat at Amelies" which made us laugh.  She went on to claim (without any hard evidence) that she had first had these expensive and delicious treats at the Free Store.

Athis point our friend Liz said that a lot of her personal trials came from wanting to be in control.  She said that her friend Jamie had told her recently to make a list of everything that was bothering her in some way and then to cross out everything that she didn't have control over.  Liz said the list got much smaller as she crossed things out but that she felt better focusing on the few things she could do something about.  Eddie said that rather than do something half-assed or halfway that we should do things through and through to get better results.

As the conversation moved to a conclusion our friend George said that he had learned to walk away from trouble because he didn't want to end up dead or back in jail.  Our friend Donald said that people in the place he was livin were smokin and drinkin every night.  He said that he didn' want to do this coz of his faith in God and what the bible said.  So we encouraged Donald to keep making wise decisions and taking responsiblity for his own life.

6.07.2011

I Found My Life

In our Free Store conversation on Saturday morning we continued discussing the importance of taking the long view of our lives.  In his book The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People Stephen Covey refers to this as beginning with the end in mind.  If we have a clear picture of what we want our lives to look like at the end then we essentially have a roadmap for the things we will want to focus on doing from day to day.

We talked about how important it is to take effective actions that will actually produce the kind of life that we want.  Someone said that since we are created in the image of God that we have the power to create as well.  And the first and most important thing we create is our own life.  To blame others for our lives is to essentially give our creative power away and to take a passive role as a helpless victim.

One of our friends said that recently he had imagined himself coming back from the future and giving advice to himself.  He said, "I thought about it and it came to me that rather than wait for the future I needed to do something now."  So he started taking his vitamin supplements and said he was feeling better.

We talked about how success and failure are both created in the mind before they become a reality in our lives.  Somone said that if you think you are gonna lose that you probably will.  Sheila said that "you gotta have a plan."  Someone said that if you want to build a house you don't just grab the hammer and start nailing things together which made us laugh.  Instead you think about what you want and draw up a plan that can turn your desire into a reality.

A new friend said that he had been out of work and looking for a job to provide for his family.  He told us that he started meeting with a group for intercessory prayer at 5:00 am every morning even though he wasn't sure it would help.  But he got an interview at Bob Evans and got the job.  He went on to say that "if you want something in your life, you have to put forth some effort."  At this our friend Donald said that he often thought about giving up because he had to really struggle to keep going.  He told us that he often felt like nobody cared about him.  This led us to discuss how our thoughts can either lift us up or bring us down.  We talked about the importance of not letting negative circumstances press us into a negative way of thinking.

At this point our new friend Earl said that on Wednesday he got up and walked from the uptown men's shelter to Labor Ready at 3:00 am in the morning.  He kept thinking as he walked, "I wish I had a bike."  When he got to Labor Ready to report for work to the chicken factory they told him that they could not accept the copy of the social security card that he had with him but that they had to have the card itself which did not have.  With a big smile on his face Earl said that on the walk back uptown that he met a guy with a truck full of stuff and upon learning of his situation the man gave him a bike.

As our conversation moved to a conclusion our friend Mark said that he had filled out job applications for a full month and had been getting depressed.  He told us that at one point he didn't think anybody was there to help him but he was beginning to realize that help was there.  He said that he had decided to admit himself into a treatment program. At this someone said that God says, "Fear not, I've got your back."  He said that he had overcome a crack addiction and had survived liver disease.

Our friend Stephen said that he was realizing that "life is not about me" and that in accepting that reality he said, "I found my life."

6.03.2011

I'm a Big Turd

In our Free Store conversation on Thursday morning (after lamenting that there were no donuts because our friend George Dunn had a scheduling conflict and couldn't be with us!) we continued talking about the importance of beginning with the end in mind.  This is the second habit in Stephen Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Successful People.

The question was asked, "What is a habit?"  Mark said it's something you don't even realize you are doing.  We talked about how a habit is something that we do regularly and repeatedly.  And it is the habitual and repeated things that we do that add up to the sum of our lives.  So to begin with the end of our lives in mind and think about how we want people to remember us gives us a roadmap to the things we will want to focus on from day to day.

At this point our friend Danielle came in and told us that her friend Antwon Smith had been shot in the head and died on Saturday night.  She told us that he was 29 and his nickname was "Ruckus."  There was speculation that a new gang in Charlotte called New Jack City Boys were responsible.  The shooting took place on Saturday night after the events downtown known locally as Speedstreet.  It was sobering to realize the tragic effects of unresolved conflicts and gang violence in our world.

As the conversation turned back to the habit of beginning with the end in mind we talked about how our habits are rooted in our self-paradigms or the images that we hold of ourselves.  It came up that our self-image can either be based on our weaknesses or rooted in our strengths.  We briefly looked at a story in the Hebrew bible in Numbers 14.  In this story some spies went into a foreign territory and brought back a scouting report.  Basically they said that the people were giants and that they felt like "grasshoppers" in comparison.  Someone said that negative thoughts lead to negative actions and small thinking leads to small living.  This led us to talk about ways that we underestimate ourselves, beat ourselves up, and focus on our weaknesses.

Mark said that he had several friends that still had businesses and when he compared himself to them he felt bad.  He told us that when he saw one of those guys in a Mercedes he thought to himself, "I'm a big turd" which made us laugh.  He said that sometimes when you are down you just feel like saying, "To hell with it all."  George said that when he went to prison in 1982 he felt very small in comparison to all the big muscle bound guys in there.  He also said that people used to call him slow poke which made  him feel bad about himself.  He told us that his brother "the smart one got killed."  He went on to say that he now realized that he was talented in other ways like in his art and his drawins.  Sheila said that sometimes she thought to herself, "I wish I was skinnier."  She also said that when you are feeling bad about yourself it makes you afraid to even go out and do anything.

At this point we turned the conversation toward another story in the bible about a guy named Joseph.  Joseph had a couple of dreams when he was seventeen years old.  We talked about how our dreams can get crushed as we go through life but that they can always be rekindled.  Basically in the symbolism of his dreams Joseph saw his eleven brothers and his father and mother bowing down to him.  Mark said he should have probably kept those dreams to himself which made us laugh.  We talked about how a positive vision of personal worth and value can get us through the tough times and challenging circumstances that we go through.

The question came up about how we can develop a more positive self-image if we tend to see ourselves in a more negative way?  Sheila said it was important to get around people that are positive.  Mark said it was important to remember that God don't make no junk.  He said that as he got to know other homeless guys at the shelter that he was learning that you can't always see what is inside from their appearance.  Sheila told us about someone she knew on the street that was tough and cursed a lot but when she got to know her that the woman was very sweet and kind.  She said that to really get to know people you have to shut up and listen which made us laugh.

As the conversation moved to a conclusion our friend Terrence said that it was important to depend on God's Spirit in order to stay out of the negative cesspool of rap music and drugs.  Mark said that sometimes when he looked at the big picture of being homeless and jobless it was overwhelming.  He said his counselor told him to take nibbles and to just do one little positive thing at a time.  George agreed and said that working on getting his driver's license and his GED were taking time but would be worth the effort.  He also said that God puts angels in our path which sounded like good news to all of us.

6.02.2011

Tarot Readings at the Area 15 Tattoo Revolution

In our Free Store conversation on Wednesday morning we started by talking a bit with George Hunt about his recent visit to his hometown in South Carolina.  George told us that he left in 1995 after his mom died and hadn't been back or had any contact with family and friends there since that time.  We also learned that George had been a missing person as one of his aunts had reported him missing to the police at some point after he disappeared.  He was beaming as he showed us pictures that were taken of his happy reunion.  When asked how the day was he said, "It was a 10" which made us laugh.

At this point Carlos said that he wanted us to look at a story in the New Testament in Acts 16.  He said this study was in honor of the Tarot Card readings of our friend Curtis at the Tattoo Revolution event on Saturday, May 21 at Area 15.  The story is basically about a slave girl that is forced by her owners into fortune telling for profit.  Carlos said that fortune-telling was also mentioned in Galatians 5.16 as one of the works of the sinful nature.  Unfortunately Curtis wasn't with us to talk about his perspective on the issue and since no one had much to say on it we moved on.

Somehow we got on the topic of the confederate flag and Jack said that the South is the only place in the world that the loser can fly their flag.  We found this entertaining even though we weren't sure how it fit into the discussion.  At this point Sheila looked at Carlos holding his well worn bible and said, "You're falling apart" which made us laugh.  Realizing that we had strayed greatly from our topic Carlos patiently re-directed us to Galatians 5.16.

Carlos asked us if we had felt the conflict in ourselves between the Spirit of God and the sinful nature?  In response someone brought up the importance of self-control which seemed to touch a nerve and sparked a lively conversation.  Joelle said that self-control was one of the biggest things that she struggled with.  Jack said that self-control is at the basis of breaking all 10 commandments because in every case it comes down to selfishness or taking something that doesn't belong to us whether from God or others.  Joelle said this was because we always want the easy way when it comes to getting what we want.  Sheila said that it really  hurts when someone takes something from you.  She also said that it felt better when you know you are working for what you get.

Carlos reminded us that self-control was a gift from God and that we had nothing to boast about when comparing ourselves to those that might not have much self-control.  In response to Sheila bringing up that Rick's drinking was a real problem and that it bothered her Carlos said to her, "All of us will take a crack at you next" which made us laugh.  From the look on Sheila's face she seemed genuinely concerned that we were going to start picking on her bad habits which we also found very amusing.

At this point someone said that we can't really credit God totally with self-control because it is "self" control which made us laugh.  He went on to say although selfishness gets a bad press in religious circles that there is always at least 50 percent self-interest in everything we do.  In fact, Jesus used love of self as the base line and yard stick for love of others.  We talked a bit about how we can't even love others properly if we don't know to love ourselves in a healthy way.

As the conversation moved to a close Sheila said "I lost Dave two months ago today."  She said that she regretted the time that they fought at a hotel and she left and didn't go back to get him.  She went on to say that when she was little she didn't like men because she was abused by her father and brother.  She told us that it took her eighteen years of marriage to finally open up to her first husband Carl and let him in totally.  At this Joelle said that she and Sheila were being very therapeutic to each other.  Sheila said, "I'm a lot stronger now.  I used to drink every night, now I don't."  Overall it was a lively, honest, raw, and yet ultimately encouraging conversation.

6.01.2011

Stephen Covey Habits Meet Stephen King Horror

In our Free Store conversation on Tuesday morning we talked about the importance of beginning with the end in mind.  This is actually the second principle in Stephen Covey's book The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People.  The idea here is that we need to understand our core values so that we can begin to build the kind of life that we want to be remembered for when we get to the end of life.

We started our conversation with a little visualization exericise in which we imagined attending the funeral of someone that we loved very much.  We imagined going to the funeral home and entering the room where the service would be held and hearing the soft music and feeling the collective love of those gathered.  We visualized ourselves seeing the crowd of family, friends, and co-workers as we moved toward the casket to pay our final respects.  As we looked down into the coffin we imagined what it would be like to see ourselves laying there.

George said this was kind of spooky like something out of a Stephen King horror movie which made us laugh.  We then reflected on what we would want people to say about us at our funeral.  We talked about how we would want to be remembered by those we leave behind.  Our friend Terrence said that he would like someone to say, "He was a good man."  He also told us that he would like to be remembered as someone that gave people something.  He also said he wanted to be known as a christian and that he would want his life to give the hope of salvation.

Sheila said that she would like to be remembered as a caring and loving person that had helped homeless people and taken them into her home.  George said that he wanted to be remembered as a good artist.  He also wanted someone to talk about how although he had a hard time and went to prison that he had changed and done something with his life.  We talked about how in order to be remembered in the ways that we wanted would require that we live according to our deepest values.

If we want people to remember us as a good man or a loving woman then we need to practice goodness and demonstrate love in our lives.  I shared with the group that if I wanted people to talk about me as a great athlete I'd better start seriously training.  George said I'd better get started right away which made us laugh.  Sheila said, "I want to get back to the gym."  George also said that you just can't jump on your art.  He said that it takes time and practice to do a good drawing.  So we were realizing that by knowing how we wanted to be remembered we were identifying the core values that we wanted to put into practice every day of our lives.

At this point we switched gears a bit and talked about negative role models.  George said, "I don' wanna be like my daddy.  He was lazy."  Sheila said she did not want to be like her father either because he was a twenty-four hour drunk that would beat them up.  It was very sobering to realize that we could leave very negative and painful memories as the mark of our lives.  George then told us about his brother who died at twenty-one years old when he was hit over the head, robbed of $3,000, and thrown on the train tracks and run over by a train.

As the conversation moved to a conclusion someone said that when he died he wanted people to say that he had inspired them in some way.  George said that he had recently seen his neice's son and that the boy was working out and drawing because of his positive influence.